Miss Manners: Do I have to thank people for the gifts I stole?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pregnant daughter and her husband live in my backyard, in a charming but tiny apartment they made out of my office and garage. My son-in-law’s parents recently visited from out of town, and subsequently sent the kids a gift of a toaster, a microwave and a coffee machine.

They can’t have missed the lack of available space in the kids’ apartment, so I assume they intended these objects to stay with me, in my house. I was not pining for these appliances, wouldn’t have picked them in this color and suspect they’ll get little use by me.

Must I thank his parents for the gifts? Or is the kids’ thanks adequate? I am a poor liar.

GENTLE READER: Then do not poach your kids’ presents.

As these appliances were given to them, it is up to them what they do with them – and that might be returning them for something more practical, cramming them into their tiny home or putting them in storage until they have a bigger one.

Thanks are required only from the direct recipient of presents. And that is just as well, because stating that you appropriated theirs and being unable to disguise your dislike are not seemly ingredients for a letter of thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I received an emailed wedding invitation from someone whose email address was not familiar to me. The wedding date was almost six months away.

There was no mention of any name in the invitation, just a photo of the couple, then the place, date, time and a link to click to reply. I had no idea who this person was, and puzzled for a few seconds, before enlarging the photo and seeing that the future groom looked vaguely familiar. I figured it must be the son of a friend who I heard was engaged.

Since I would be on vacation at that time, I sent my regret. Later, a few friends mentioned that they’d had the same difficulty figuring out who the wedding invitation came from. One of them contacted the father of the groom and was told that the invitations were sent early because the families wanted to weed out the ones not coming so they could invite the next “wave.” She was discouraged from accepting the invitation, because “the overnight stay at this remote location might be a bit much for her and her husband.”

She said she decided not to go because she felt a bit insulted, but will send a gift. My feeling is that the whole thing was an insult, and I would not feel obligated to send a gift. Do you agree?

GENTLE READER: If the “first wave” friends do not recognize them, Miss Manners is baffled by what the second one will look like. But that is not your problem. Neither, you will be pleased to hear, is getting a present for an event that you are not attending and involving people you hardly know.