Miss Manners: He holds the door, you wave him ahead in line: win-win

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m not a firm believer in men holding doors open for women, as I’m perfectly capable of opening a door myself. I often open and hold doors for others because it seems the polite, not chivalrous, thing to do. That said, if a man insists on opening a door for me, rather than fighting for the handle, I allow social customs, archaic as they are, to dictate.

If he has opened the door on the way into a coffee shop where there is a line to the counter, it seems polite to then let him go ahead of me, since he forfeited his place in line by kindly holding the door for me. Then again, maybe he is expecting to lose his place in line to hold the door for me, and intending that I go first. What’s a feminist to do in this scenario?

GENTLE READER: Having heard from the gentlemen directly, Miss Manners can assure you that they were not expecting to give up their place in line; many report feeling taken advantage of.

Gesturing for them to go first will, she trusts, solve everyone’s problem. The gentleman will not feel punished for doing what he intended as a good deed. You will have taken an opportunity both to acknowledge, and to return, the gesture, while making the point that good manners can be practiced no matter what your gender. And the shop employees will be allowed to get on with pouring coffee, instead of breaking up fistfights in the line – albeit among sluggish, low-caffeine combatants.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and husband bought a house, where I go to babysit for them weekly. There is an area that smells badly of mold, and I worry for my health and that of the babies.

I have mentioned it several times and the reply has been, “Mom, you are the only one who smells it.” I have offered to have it tested and pay for repairs, but it has been six months and the issue remains unaddressed. Now I have bought a mold-testing kit. What is the protocol for taking samples and submitting them to the lab? Should I tell my daughter I’m doing it, or wait and see if the lab report confirms my worries that there is something harmful?

GENTLE READER: Neither approach is likely to end well. If you tell her, she will be offended. If you do not tell her, and the result comes back positive, you will have to confess that you did an invasive thing without her permission.

Miss Manners assumes that if you do not tell her, and the result comes back negative, you will be relieved rather than disappointed. But you do not expect this outcome. Having pointed out the smell, and even offered a solution, there is little more you can do. Your daughter is now a grown woman with responsibilities – and children – of her own, and you have no choice but to trust that she is managing those responsibilities, well, responsibly.