Norman Chad: 23 facts about wide world of sports on TV

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. The last time I watched “SportsCenter,” Keith Olbermann was still in a good mood.

2. Even though I imagine he’d have absolutely no idea what he is talking about, if Charles Barkley did a weekly show on dry walling, I’d probably tune in.

3. Every time I watch a golf tournament on the Golf Channel, they hardly show any golf. It’s like going to a strip club where nobody strips.

4. If the NBA playoffs were any worse this year, they’d be “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”

5. When I’m pumping gas and see ESPN on video screens at the gas-station islands – and I apologize if I’m being too cynical here – something tells me it’s increasing the price of a gallon of gas.

6. If they had replay in 1775, I’m not sure Paul Revere makes it to Lexington by midnight.

7. Instead of hacking the presidential election here, I can’t believe the Russians didn’t set their sights on Fox Sports 1.

8. When I retire, I hope Brent Musburger has a spot for me on his gambling network!

9. If the NFL doubled its schedule to a 32-game regular season – with a handful of bye weeks thrown in – that would pretty much solve all its partner networks’ programming needs year-round.

10. NBC is launching the Olympic Channel July 15 to replace Universal HD. I didn’t know there was a Universal HD.

11. If Trump wants to save his presidency, he should rescue pro bowling on TV.

12. Actually, I wish ESPN laid off that K-Zone box instead.

(Column Intermission: So the NFL is cutting overtime from 15 minutes to 10 in the name of player safety, just as it encouraged touchbacks on kickoffs in the name of player safety. Okay, then, how about Thursday Night Football? I’m not sure they schedule those games in the name of “player safety” as much as they schedule them in the name of “maximum profit.” Which reminds me that the ‘F’ in NFL somehow stands for hypocritical.)

13. Best thing about having kidney stones? It takes your mind off of Stephen A. Smith.

14. If Dan O’Toole and Jay Onrait couldn’t make it on sports TV in America, then something’s wrong with America.

15. I like to think I would draw the line on watching arm wrestling on TV, but, well, I didn’t.

16. Back in the day, I used to believe Bill Walton was completely out of his mind. These days, I know he is completely out of his mind, but now I appreciate him.

17. If TNT’s Ernie Johnson were any better at his job, they’d have to fire him for over-competence.

18. Al Michaels recently said that Cris Collinsworth is the best analyst ever in any sport – I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s never watched poker on TV.

19. When I still had a full head of hair, beach volleyball was the next big thing.

20. Watching baseball on TV these days is like putting a pot of water on medium heat and waiting for it to boil.

21. Let’s say the NBC Sports Network merged with the Weather Channel to create the NBC Sports Network Weather Channel (NBCSNWC). I like the sound of that, and I might watch.

21a. Weekend weathercaster in San Diego – now, that’s a sweet gig.

22. There is something quietly reassuring about the fact that Major League Soccer TV ratings never get better.

23. I’m banking on a skinny bundle in the afterlife.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Shaquille O’Neal displayed his bare, ugly-as-sin right foot on TNT the other night – isn‘t there an FCC violation in there somewhere? (Daniel Lazarus; Chicago)

A. No, but I’ll say this: His big toe was so petrifying, it could scare the stripes off of a zebra.

Q. I am new to these parts – where do you stand on the Indianapolis 500? (D.R. Savage; Muncie, Ind.)

A. About as far away from the speedway as I can – I’m more of a foot-traffic guy.

Q. Does the Mrs. Slouch have her own couch, or do you share? (Don Pollins; Hyattsville, Md.)

A. We actually have three couches – one for her to watch TV, one for me to watch TV and one where I sleep.

Q. Are you aware that there is a professional bull rider named Ryan Dirteater? (Bradley Suter; Charlottesville, Va.)

A. Now I am – is this supposed to get me work on “Around The Horn”?

Q. Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield was tackled by an Arkansas police officer earlier this year while trying to run away after an altercation. Will the officer be a walk-on at Texas next fall or on full scholarship? (John Huber; Montgomery Village, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 cash!