The Slice: The quintessential Spokane dialogue

Perhaps you have never considered it from this perspective.

But really, what is the best response to “Get off my lawn!”?

What could a child hearing that say to such a rebuke?

As usual, The Slice has a few ideas.

1. “My lord, the king has granted me safe passage.”

2. “I claim squatter’s rights!”

3. “Surely you jest. Allow me to retort.”

4. “I am no poacher, sir.”

5. “Are you trying to be a self-parody?”

6. “I am engaged in a nonviolent protest.”

7. “Is your world really that small and constipated, man?”

8. “Gadzooks.”

9. “Old men forget, yet all shall be forgot.”

10. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your yard was a national historic site.”

Feel free to share your own ideas.

Multiple choice: In your neighborhood, what is the standard for identifying a stranger as a “suspicious” person?

A) Has neck tattoos. B) “I don’t know him.” C) Has burglar hair.

D) Racial profiling. E) Seen riding slowly around the block on a bicycle. F) Sweatshirt “Looks like something a criminal would wear.”

G) Age profiling. H) “Appears to be up to no good.” I) Is brandishing something.

J) Seems to be casing the joint. K) Speaks with an accent. L) Not wearing a necktie.

M) Is actively using a Slim Jim tool to break into a car, as we speak. N) Is holding a gun on someone. O) Shifty eyes.

P) Doesn’t look American. Q) Appears to be a punk. R) Looks like a gang member.

S) It’s almost dark out. T) Seen smoking a funny-looking cigarette. U) Is wearing a T-shirt that says “I’ve fallen and can’t reach my beer.”

V) Heard whistling an ominous tune. W) Neighborhood kids see the suspect approaching from down the block and, just like in “The Wire,” call out “Omar comin’.” X) Doesn’t look like Wally Cleaver.

Y) Guilty until proven innocent. Z) Other.

Today’s Slice question: When you were young and stupid (inexperienced in the fragrance arts), did you ever overdo it with cologne or perfume to an unintentionally hilarious extent?

Please, tell all. You might win a coveted reporter’s notebook. Of course, you might not. Notebooks, like so many things in life, are not guaranteed.

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. If Spokane adopted a new slogan, what would you think about this city eschewing boosterism and instead becoming the nation’s truth-teller by going with something like “Pipe Down, Buster” or “Not Everything is about You”?