The Slice: An apple by any other name…

This is an embarrassing admission.

At least it is for someone who lives in Washington.

But here’s the deal. There is an apple tree in my backyard that was there when we bought the property 20 years ago.

And I have no earthly idea what variety it is. No idea.

The apples themselves do not offer much in the way of clues.

I have brought this up a few times, but on each occasion it was with visitors who know even less about horticulture than I do.

So it has remained “the apple tree.”

But it really needs a name. Don’t you think?

I suppose I could invite a specialist over to give me a ruling. But I’ve decided to go another way. I’m just going to name the variety myself.

Yes, I know that is not an especially scientific approach to fruit nomenclature. But I’m a liberal arts graduate. What do you expect?

I’ve narrowed my options down to the following names. (But if you have any ideas, there’s still time to submit your nominee. It’s not like the Washington Board of Oddball Apple Variety Monikers is waiting on me to make a decision.)

Honey Blah: The blossoms attract bees each spring, but the apples themselves are not all that exciting.

Cusamano: After a friend of my father’s who I may or may not be named after.

Pop-up: In recognition of the time I caught an apple falling from a branch a few autumns back.

Chloe: After my neighbor’s cat, who spent a fair amount of time around that tree when she was alive. I once saw a falling apple almost land on her.

Biter: After Chloe.

Squirrel: After the one consumer of this tree’s fruit not put off by the lackluster flavor.

Southie: After the tree’s South Hill home.

Compost: Do you believe that names put you on a path toward your destiny?

Potential: After Spokane.

Promise: After Spokane.

Lawrence: After a friend.

Border Red: In recognition of our proximity to Idaho and the apple’s color.

Crow: After visitors to the backyard.

Granny Clampett: Yes, I am a baby boomer.

Boone’s Farm: See above.

Red Rascal: I like the sound.

Fraggle: I enjoyed that show’s theme song.

Finn: A neighbor boy and another neighbor’s dog are both named Finn. Why not our apple tree, too?

Today’s Slice question: Is Spokane cynical enough?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. How much lake/pool water have you swallowed?