This column reflects the opinion of the writer. Learn about the differences between a news story and an opinion column.
Doug Clark: Mr. Asphalt answers all your questions about downtown road construction
A recognized expert on infrastructural constipation, Mr. Asphalt will answer all of your digging questions regarding Spokane’s current downtown street repair apocalypse.
Let’s begin …
Q: I tried to drive through downtown Spokane the other day and couldn’t believe it. I’ve never seen a municipality’s streets that are more torn up. Have you?
Mr. Asphalt: I’m told that Beirut during the war was slightly worse.
Q: So what’s going on?
Mr. Asphalt: We’re actually in the final phase of Spokane’s new master plan.
Q: New master plan? What’s that?
Mr. Asphalt: Technically, it’s called the Downtown Construction/Destruction Project.
Q: And the objective is?
Mr. Asphalt: To make shopping so inconvenient that all of the businesses will be forced to close.
Q: Why would the city want to close all the businesses?
Mr. Asphalt: More room for condos. Haven’t you heard? The Spokane real estate market is booming again. Pretty soon the whole downtown will be nothing but skywalks and upper-crust living.
Q: Wow. I had no idea.
Mr. Asphalt: That’s why Mr. Asphalt’s here.
Q: Anyway, the streets are horrendous and dangerous, too. What precautions are being taken?
Mr. Asphalt: All the deepest craters are being fitted with brand new Serta iComfort mattresses.
Q: Isn’t that expensive?
Mr. Asphalt: Somewhat. But the Serta company guarantees feather-soft landings for anyone who happens to take a header while trying to cross a street.
Q: That should cut down on lawsuits, huh?
Mr. Asphalt: In Spokane you never know. But these mattresses do come with memory foam.
Q: What’s so great about that?
Mr. Asphalt: The mattresses actually remember your body shape, which is a plus if you happen to be a repeat tumbler.
Q: Anything else?
Mr. Asphalt: Yes, the holes are also being fitted with complimentary internet access.
Q: Really?
Mr. Asphalt: Yes. That’s so stranded victims can get on Facebook until someone arrives with a rope.
Q: I couldn’t help but notice the gigantic excavation on North Monroe next to the Metro furniture store. Is this the site of a new apartment building?
Mr. Asphalt: Hardly. This is the location for the new Mayoral Bunker. Mayor David Condon wants an underground hideout built in case someone starts another recall effort.
Q: Getting back to the downtown core, does Mr. Asphalt have any expert tips for fearful drivers?
Mr. Asphalt: Go very slow and make sure to keep an eye out for the three crucial warning signs.
Q: Which are?
Mr. Asphalt: “Road closed.” “Detour.” And the one you see most often: “You Can’t Get There From Here!”
Q: I hear that. I was threading my way on Lincoln the other day when I passed several excavators digging furiously. Were they replacing the sewer main?
Mr. Asphalt: No. One of the workers swears he found Jimmy Hoffa.
Q: Good one, Mr. Asphalt.
Mr. Asphalt: A little excavation humor can’t hurt.
Q: A little later that same day, I was walking on Main Street when a tourist from Houston asked me where she could go to buy a jacket. I directed her to River Park Square. What would you have told her?
Mr. Asphalt: Skip the jacket and get an orange safety vest. It’s not very fashionable, but it would significantly up her odds of getting back to her hotel without tripping into a mattress hole.
Q: Has a target date been set for completion?
Mr. Asphalt: We should be finished in time for Halloween.
Q: You’re saying the streets of downtown Spokane will be smooth and repaired by Oct. 31?
Mr. Asphalt: Heavens no! That’s just when we hope to have the “Downtown Haunted Pothole Experience” finished.
Q: Haunted Pothole Experience?
Mr. Asphalt: Yeah, it’s like that scary corn maze in the Valley only a lot more frightening.
Q: What’s the goal of the Haunted Pothole Experience?
Mr. Asphalt: Try to get out of downtown without breaking an axle.
Q: Any last words of wisdom for someone who’s actually still thinking about driving to downtown Spokane?
Mr. Asphalt: I most certainly do.
Q: And that would be?”
Mr. Asphalt: Coeur d’Alene is especially lovely this time of year.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.