Gary Crooks: A modest proposal to fund schools

In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal,” his satirical answer to the famine and poverty in Ireland. Solution: Poor families could sell their children to wealthy people, who would consume them.

The full title was “A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public.”

With some tweaking of that title, we could come up with a solution to fully funding basic education in Washington state: “A Modest Proposal for Preventing Children From Being a Burden to Wealthy Taxpayers.”

Solution: Let the kids drink, smoke and gamble.

Before you point out the consequences, note that I am kidding. But I’m also operating within the implicit morality of the state’s tax code, which is: Tax the poor and the sinners; do not burden the wealthy.

It’s a well-established fact that no state taxes the poor as much as Washington, and that we’re adamant about keeping it that way. Our compassion for the One Percenters is boundless.

So we forswear income and capital gains taxes, lean heavily on the sales tax, and tax booze, pot and cigarettes to the hilt. Plus, the state runs a lottery that serves as a levy. Studies show the poor disproportionately tax themselves in the vain hope of scratching out a miracle.

I’m loath to divulge this state secret, but you have a much better chance winning at a casino than at Lotto. But, please, continue playing, because the state needs the money to educate children – just as long as those lessons don’t include the odds of winning. That would be counterproductive.

As the Tax Foundation reports, “(B)ecause state lotteries pay out an average of only 60 percent of gross revenues in prizes (compared to about 90 percent for casino slot machines or table games), state-run lotteries are only viable as a monopoly, in conjunction with a ban on private lotteries.”

If we can boost participation in this state-run long shot, we can raise more money for schoolchildren. We do this by letting kids buy tickets. Not only would they be spending on their futures, they’d develop a lifelong habit that would benefit future generations.

Washington already leads the nation in liquor taxes, thanks to that voter initiative that left no Costco behind. You think the gas tax is high? The spirits tax (when adding all fees) is $33.54 per gallon, according to a Tax Foundation report issued in January. Oregon is second at $22.74 per gallon.

To borrow a phrase from high school cheerleaders, “Our spirits are sky high!”

We can’t realistically raise our already high liquor tax, but we can broaden the base by letting little Kayden and Tatum buy the hard stuff to help finance their education.

As for the cigarette tax, Washington is slipping. We only have the seventh-highest levy: $3.025 per pack. So let’s raise that by a buck and a half to bypass first-place New York, and let kids buy them. Same with marijuana.

Now, I can hear the complaining already, but are you aware of the extreme solutions our lawmakers are considering to soak the rich?

Democrats would tax capital gains (and end some tax breaks). This is against Washington values, because the poor don’t have any gains to tax. Republicans, under a proposal put together last year by Sen. Bruce Dammeier of Puyallup, are considering raising property taxes in rich school districts and lowering them in the rest. This runs counter to our tradition of protecting the affluent.

If we want to stay true to our values and fulfill the “paramount” duty to “amply” fund basic education, we could lower the legal age for drinking, smoking and gambling, because adults aren’t partying enough to fund basic education.

It’s the Washington way; plus it protects the most vulnerable among us: the rich.

Opinion Editor Gary Crooks can be reached at garyc@spokesman.com or (509) 459-5026. Follow him on Twitter @GaryCrooks