Annie’s Mailbox: Daughter’s rift with family isn’t mom’s fight

Dear Annie: After years of attending and giving gifts for weddings, showers, birthday parties and graduations, my 34-year-old daughter is getting married. But she is getting the shaft from my huge family.

I have five siblings, all of whom are married with kids. After a major family rift over politics three years ago, when my daughter expressed her opinions, she was disowned by the majority of my family. One of my brothers reprimanded her in front of everyone, saying it was his duty as the oldest uncle.

My daughter is a college graduate, has always worked hard and has a beautiful heart. She did not invite this uncle to her wedding, and barely was willing to invite her grandmother. I nearly had a stroke from the stress.

I have been to therapy, but still have a hard time with all of this. I think I have driven my husband to drink. I cried for almost three years. I am a heartbroken mother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law and aunt. It hurts so badly. What can I do? –Love My Daughter

Dear Mom: Your daughter is an adult. She made the choice to air her opinions in front of her extended family, knowing it would upset them. While your brother was completely wrong to reprimand her as if she were a child, there are consequences for one’s actions. It was your daughter’s decision not to invite certain family members to her wedding, and you cannot expect them to send a gift and celebrate an event from which they are excluded.

This is not your fight, Mom. Please don’t defend or explain your daughter, or feel obligated to maintain the estrangements she has created. Family problems are never easy, but we urge you to let your siblings and daughter handle this in their own way. And please talk to your doctor about your anxiety.