Carolyn Hax: Fiance’s friend has choice words

Dear Carolyn: I am soon to be married. I just found out that my fiance’s friend, who is in our wedding party, said my fiance “could marry better” and I just “drag him down.”

When this friend was having marital problems, his wife was always turning to my fiance. He kept his loyalty toward his friend. This couple has the most toxic relationship.

I feel this friend shouldn’t be invited to our wedding. My fiance was upset about his comment and hesitant to tell me, but still wants him in our wedding. I think it’s a bad idea and “he could pick better.” – Trouble in Paradise

I’m sorry you had to hear this friend’s assessment of you. We all understand friends and family aren’t thrilled by every romantic pairing, but that’s not the same as actually hearing a scathing review.

Since I don’t know you, I can also say this without getting too personal: There’s nothing wrong with his warning. I’m the one who advises people to speak up to loved ones they fear are making a nuptial mistake.

That’s why my issue here is with your fiance for disclosing what his friend probably said to him in confidence. He was upset and no doubt needing to talk to someone, but he didn’t have to pick you.

Instead of creating drama with a campaign to disinvite him, please consider not reacting at all.

The answer does change if this guy is actively working to undermine you two.

Assuming it was just the one remark, though, not reacting could be a powerful statement.

It also, oddly and retroactively, would make your fiance’s sharing the right decision. How you respond is key to any calculation of how much truth is wise to tell.