Annie’s Mailbox: Granddaughter’s third wedding strains patience

Dear Annie: My granddaughter is getting married for the third time in August. The first time this granddaughter got married, I attended the wedding and gave her a generous gift. The second time, I sent a card with a small check. But this is going too far.

My question is, am I obligated to attend this wedding? It is out of state, which means a plane fare, hotel and yet another gift. I say “no more.” A simple card will suffice.

People say I am wrong, but there comes a time when “no” is the only answer in my book. My daughter is upset that no one in the family went to her other daughter’s wedding – which was also her second marriage and in another state.

I would like to know what you think. – A Grandmother Who Doesn’t Get It

Dear Grandmother: If you were unrelated, we’d say a card is perfect. But you are not just any guest. You are the grandmother and this puts you in a separate category. (Not to mention, third weddings should be very small affairs.)

No one is obligated to attend any wedding, particularly a second or third. But your daughter obviously wants the support of her family, and your blessing would mean a lot. If you can afford to attend, it would be a kindness to do so, but we understand the hardship of an out-of-state wedding. You also are not obligated to keep giving gifts for subsequent marriages. But again, as the grandmother, you may wish to send something small, such as a picture frame or bottle of wine.

The point is not to create a rift, upset your daughter or make your granddaughter think you love her less because she can’t seem to get her act together. We say, send her a lovely card with a small token gift. Add that you are so sorry you cannot attend, but you will be thinking of her.