What would Super Bowl be without the hoopla?

PHOENIX – Everyone has had the exam Armageddon dream. You show up for the final having not attended class all semester, not done any of the reading and, in fact, forgotten that you even enrolled. Or the variation: two minutes remaining to complete a 1,000-word essay and nothing down on paper yet. Well, I’m living it at Super Bowl XLIX. I get here for the Big Game – six days early – and discover I’ve missed all the Big Silliness. Deflategate? Out of air. Crotchgate? Slipped through the fingers. Targetgate? Went boom. The traditional media day circus for the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots doesn’t commence until this morning and already the nonsense has mostly burned itself out. Some of this happened while I wandered around Phoenix on Monday trying to find out where they were hiding my credentials. That quest over and darkness looming, I embarked on another to find a ride back to the campground. “Pardon me, can you please tell me where I can find the shuttle bus?” I asked a Super Bowl functionary inside the Phoenix Convention Center. “On the street,” he replied, showing his tolerance by not adding, “bonehead.” Apparently, Sheriff Joe Arpaio is in charge of Arizona hospitality for Super Bowl week. This kind of welcoming embrace is going to make the New Yorkers who put on this show last year look as hard-boiled as Barney the Dinosaur. In any case, there’s a lot of catching up to do. So, where do you want to start? I knew it. We’re all aware by now that the NFL’s Legion of Decency has warned the Seahawks that its crotch police will come down hard on running back Marshawn Lynch should he punctuate a touchdown run on Sunday with his now-signature baggage check. Not only will Lynch get another fine – the last one cost him $20,000 – but the Seahawks will get 15 yards for unshortsmanlike conduct, or something. Roger Goodell is all about helping himself to that Beastmoney, boss. In fact, he’s so much about it that the commissioner’s marketeers were peddling photos of Lynch clutching his package after that NFC title game touchdown for a cool $149.95 online at the NFL Shop – at least until ESPN.com’s Mike Sando and others pointed out the hypocrisy. Meanwhile, perhaps to avoid more fines, Lynch took the bold step of meeting with the media a day ahead of schedule. If by “media” you can include one guy in an ad the Lynch sponsor Skittles posted, asking him questions like, “Do you prefer to watch cat videos or dog videos online?” Really, no worse than the questions he might get today. (Spoiler answer: “I’ll watch the cat.”) Meanwhile, in more footballish matters, former Seahawks safety Brandon Browner of the Patriots said he’d encourage teammates to target the arm and shoulder injuries incurred by former secondary mates Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas in the NFC championship. This despite Sherman insisting Browner remains part of the Legion of Boom brotherhood. Seahawks linebacker K.J. Wright expressed dismay with Browner’s sentiment. But in a stop-the-presses bulletin, Angry Doug Baldwin was not angry. “I understand the fans want it to be classy and everything to be said politically correct,” the Seahawks receiver said, “but that is the truth of the matter.” Of course, if you want to hit Sherman where it hurts, you tell him he can’t come to media day. As for Deflategate, it’s now been a week since it was discovered several of the balls the Patriots used in the AFC title game were soft enough to pass for Nerfs. Any kid with a pump and a needle can get a football up to specs, but it takes some real covert ops to get the grip Pats quarterback Tom Brady likes. Now NFL gumshoes reportedly have made a locker room attendant a “person of interest” in the investigation. And you thought only cops talked like that. This was the only thing keeping the story on the ventilator until Pats owner Robert Kraft blew into town Monday and decided to address the media with a defiant defense. “If the Wells investigation is not able to definitively determine that our organization tampered with the air pressure on the footballs,” Kraft said, “I would expect and hope that the league would apologize to our entire team, and in particular, coach (Bill) Belichick and Tom Brady for what they have had to endure this past week.” (Insert “The Godfather Part II” clip of Tom Hagen demanding Senate investigators apologize to Michael Corleone here.) They probably should apologize. After all, Brady did admit “my feelings got hurt” in all the hoohah. Well, that’ll happen in football. It’s a tough game for tough guys. My suggestion? While you’re in Phoenix, Tom, don’t ask where you can find the shuttle bus.