Rift can be mended with work over time

Dear Annie: My father died a year ago. Since then, I have ignored my extended family, but I’m close to my children and grandchildren. Christmas passed and I never phoned my sick mother, even though I live 15 minutes away. I want to make it right, but can’t just waltz into their lives and say, “Here I am.”

My younger sister has been taking care of Mom without a break. I can’t stand to be around my older sister, who handles Mom’s finances. She is hateful and judgmental, and frankly, she scares me. And then there’s my mother. We have a strained relationship. When I was a little girl, my parents would argue and she’d tell my father to leave and take me with him. Only me. My mom always treats my siblings and their children with kid gloves, but my sweet, intelligent kids she treats like lepers.

I want my family to be together like we used to be. If you could print this, maybe my mother and sisters would see it and know that I beg their forgiveness. – Lost in Louisville, Ky.

Dear Louisville: Here’s what we see: You resent your mother for the favorable treatment she has always shown your siblings and their children. You dislike your older sister for her overbearing attitude. You feel guilty about your younger sister, who took on the burden of caring for Mom. And you miss Dad, who was the buffer.

Start with your younger sister. Tell her you went into a tailspin when Dad died and you deeply regret abandoning her. Ask what you can do now. Then go see your mother. Phone or email your older sister. You will have to put up with their anger and disappointment, but that will be temporary while you work on forgiveness. You might also consider counseling to work through some of your family issues.