Daughter’s choice of mate tough to take

Dear Annie: For 10 years, my daughter has been in a relationship with a man from another culture. He is controlling, manipulative, arrogant and patronizing. He was raised with servants, nannies and drivers. Now my daughter fills those roles.

I limit visits to once a year because he never fails to make snide comments to me when he is sure my daughter cannot hear him. Once, I asked him what his intentions were toward my daughter, and he said never to question his authority.

After a recent visit, my daughter accused me of not being respectful and loving toward her partner. She said I am jealous of their wonderful life. This could not be further from the truth. I feel sorry for her. I don’t know how she endures his daily criticisms and verbal abuse. She constantly sings his praises as a good provider and father to their child. I know she is ashamed that he has refused to marry her, but this is probably cultural. She will always remain his mistress but never be an equal.

When I visit, I am polite and civil and thank him for his hospitality, but I do not express any love toward him, nor will I. But I want to remain in my daughter’s life and see my grandchild. I have kept quiet for years because I know it is my daughter’s choice, but I will not pretend. My grandma always said, “If you can’t say anything good about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Well, saying nothing does not seem to be working. – Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned: One of the hardest things for a parent is to watch your child make a huge mistake and not be able to do anything about it. Your daughter is unwilling to leave this relationship. You cannot be expected to show love toward this man. Being polite and civil and thanking him for his hospitality is more than enough. Be careful, however, not to let your disdain show through. Simply tell your daughter sweetly that you are trying your best and you are glad she is happy.