Carolyn Hax:

Dear Carolyn: Any advice on how to deal with my middle-aged, mentally-ill sibling who will be attending family holiday dinners? Sibling is difficult to get along with, is out of touch with reality, and – even though aware of mental illness – won’t do anything about it. Sibling can’t be excluded because it would upset elderly parents. However, Sibling drives my spouse and kids crazy. It takes restraint not to engage with sibling in an angry way. What should be a lovely family celebration will be strained at best. – Between a Rock and Hard Place

What a sad situation.

It might just be one of those things you endure because the alternatives are worse. However, I do have one resource and one thought.

The resource is NAMI’s “Family to Family,” which aims to improve “the coping and problem-solving abilities of the people closest to an individual living with a mental health condition.” It’s also free. It’s a 12-week course.

The thought is for now, and it’s a twist on a strategy for dementia caregivers, “meeting people where they are” – meaning, you don’t point out Uncle Billy isn’t actually here, or that it’s 2015, not 1965. You don’t correct. Instead you go along.

There’s a relaxed beauty to this that I believe applies, with a few tweaks and respect for reality where warranted.

That’s because its essence is not winning. It’s about letting go of the expectation you’re going to have the conversation you want, and giving over to whatever conversation the other person is able to have.

So – what would it take to meet your sibling where s/he is? If your sib says black is white, can you roll with that for one dinner? If you can’t actually agree black is white, can you choose not to correct your sibling, but riff on it – “So if black is white, then what does that mean for gray?”

Meanness is harder to roll with, but “I’m sorry you feel that way” can withstand heavy use.