Wild variation on demolition derby lights up Stateline crowd

A wise (fictional) race car driver once said, if you ain’t first, you’re last.

That was not the case Wednesday night at the Stateline Speedway in Post Falls.

“In the event that we run all the laps, someone could win without all the boats destroyed,” said raceway promoter Larry Bertrand to a handful of drivers brave enough to enter the night’s main event, the full-contact boat race. “But, obviously, we’re here tonight to destroy all the boats, and we’re pretty good at it.”

Hundreds filled the stands as the sun set, fireworks exploding over the oval track as “The Star-Spangled Banner” welcomed fans to the event. Usually held on the last day of the racing season at the speedway, the track has had such a huge turnout for the boat race that it added another edition for this year’s opening week, Bertrand said.

“It’s kind of like ‘The Road Warrior,’ ” he said, referring to the cult classic film starring Mel Gibson that will see a reboot in theaters this summer.

But this was no ordinary demolition derby. Stock car drivers dragged a boat behind them, connected by just a chain. If more than half the boat is destroyed, you’re out. If the boat is detached from the car, you’re out. The fastest car may win, but so far, the winner has been the last man standing, Bertrand said.

Tim “The Tile Man” Demaine, who wore knee guards betraying his day job as a floor installation specialist, made his sophomore appearance in the event Wednesday. Demaine only recently started racing, a dream of his since he was little, he said.

As for how to handle the handicap of dragging a boat from your bumper? Demaine said that was easy.

“It’s all right here,” Demaine said, tapping his temple with two fingers. “You just attack. It’s the craziest thing I ever did.”

Demaine said he suffered whiplashlike symptoms from his last appearance in the boat race last fall, when his car landed inside a competitor’s watercraft.

“Perfect. Drove her right away,” Demaine said of his car. “It took two tow trucks to get it off the boat, but they finally got it off and I drove it in. It’s crazy.”

Demaine’s competition had varying strategies for how to use the payload dragged from their fender. Jared Reichenberg, of Spokane, said he would use the fiberglass speeder that a sponsor paid for as an offensive weapon.

“Me, personally, I’m going to try to wing it into people, use it as a tailwhip,” Reichenberg said.

But Darryl Carillio, who said he’s won 3 of 4 full-contact boat races he’s entered, had a different tack.

“I try to forget mine’s there,” said Carillio, who drove a Frankenstein’s monster creation of a 1973 and 1976 Chevy Monte Carlo fused together and painted yellow, dubbed “The Crazy Taxi.” “You don’t want it slapping around, hitting stuff. That’ll tear it up.”

When the flag dropped, Reichenberg was first to spin out. Demaine drove across the figure-eight track to strike Carillio’s boat. Carillio responded by driving into Demaine’s red, white and blue watercraft, smashing pinwheels but leaving a stuffed Pink Panther with an Uncle Sam hat miraculously untouched.

A few laps later, Carillio struck Demaine’s boat again, splintering it and leaving Joel Schrader, driving a car painted like a police cruiser with an engine built by his dad, as his only compeition on the track. With dozens of cellphone lights from the stands pointed at the carnage below, Carillio finished off Schrader’s boat moments later as the two traded blows, as a thunderous cheer erupted from the crowd.

Speed may kill in racing, but the victory proved that, at least in full-contact boat competition, a steady hand and courage may be preferred.

“You could be the slowest guy out there and still win it,” Reichenberg said.