The Slice: Outhouse stories get the hook

The print version of The Spokesman-Review is indeed a morning newspaper.

But any notion that readers look at it exclusively while having breakfast is seriously dated. Surveys have shown that subscribers read the paper at various times.

Still, it seems fair to assume there is at least some breakfast/ newspaper interface, especially on weekends. So that’s why I’m pleased to make the following announcement: The Slice is not going to print the outhouse stories readers shared.

It’s not that you couldn’t take it. I suspect you could. Well, some of you.

And the submissions were presented by contributors in a matter-of-fact tone. Nevertheless, almost by definition, outhouse stories conjure images and sensory evocations at odds with elegant dining.

So I am going to avoid forcing you to reflect on an outhouse’s raison d’etre while you spread cream cheese on a bagel or slather butter on a piece of toast.

No need to thank me. Just chalk it up to customer service.

I mean, would it be considerate of me to serenade your morning meal with tales of items accidentally dropped down you-know-where? Would it be right to wait for you to have a spoonful of yogurt before ambushing you with a story of something retrieved from a dark netherplace you simply don’t need to be thinking about on a Saturday morning?

No. It would not.

Of course, I freely admit that I have not always been quite so careful about not offending readers’ potentially delicate sensibilities. Years ago, I would devote at least parts of four columns in a row to tales of toddlers vomiting in new cars.

I would serve up story after story of “Where I was when a well-fed bird bombed me.”

Et cetera.

But that was then. This is now. In 2014, I’m all about restraint and taste.

Today’s Slice question (for those who moved to this area as adults): When you first had family or friends from far away come for a visit, to what extent did you overdo it on taking long drives and trying to show them every square inch of your new stomping grounds in just a couple of days?