Carolyn Hax: Be honest with wife of divorcing couple

Hi, Carolyn: The abbreviated version is that my husband and I were very close friends with another couple, “Bill” and “Sara,” and that couple’s marriage has dissolved recently and spectacularly.

In the beginning, we attempted to stay neutral and support each party, but as time has passed and things have come to light, my husband and I have both gravitated to Bill’s side for various reasons. The problem is how to handle this with Sara, who is emotionally labile, and also coming to town for a work meeting in a few weeks with the expectation of meeting up with us. We don’t feel like it’s a great idea.

I’m torn because I feel genuine empathy for Sara, but can’t see how to be a good friend to her anymore. This is especially hard because I always thought of myself as a loyal person. I think our friendship has run its course because of how their marriage ended and things that have happened in the aftermath, but I feel callous and judgmental in telling her that.

Any suggestions on what to say, and how to say it? – Navigating a Divorce of Friends

Not to be a stickler or anything, but you’re already judgmental for what you’re thinking; it’s merely the telling that has you feeling callous.

Dropping her without explanation, though, is pretty callous too.

So ask yourself whether you’re ready to say the following: “Sara, I know you want to get together when you’re in town. I’m really struggling, though, to understand [blank],” with [blank] being the thing that forced you off the fence onto Bill’s side.

If you feel comfortable saying that – if you’ve already challenged yourself on your conclusions about Sara, and you’re confident you’re believing and doing the right thing – then you owe it to Sara to say as much. If instead there’s room for doubt, then you owe it to Sara to recognize your conclusions may be premature and to keep an open mind accordingly. That includes seeing her, and treating her as a friend, when she’s in town.

While I believe that letting it drift into oblivion is among the viable options for ending a friendship, and that explanations aren’t always necessary or kind, they do become necessary when one of you is actively working to sustain the friendship. As long as Sara is doing that by pursuing plans with you, then it’s on you to be judiciously, empathetically honest with her.