Norman Chad: Enough already with all the fuss over Derek Jeter

I just saw a list of the “most significant figures in world history” as compiled by The New Republic:

1. Alexander the Great; 2. Aristotle; 3. Jesus Christ; 4. Charles Darwin; 5. Buddha; 6. Albert Einstein; 7. Mahatma Gandhi; 8. Derek Jeter; 9. William Shakespeare; 10. Leonardo da Vinci.

OK, I made that up. But Couch Slouch cannot believe the over-the-top, unreasonable- beyond-a-reasonable-doubt avalanche of unflinching, genuflecting worship for the New York Yankees shortstop in his final season in uniform.

He’s a dandy player with great skin tone and a social life George Clooney would kill for.

For sure, Jeter’s had a fabulous career – five Gold Gloves, 14 All-Star Game selections, sixth all-time in hits and he’s played on five World Series title teams.

Still, he just plays a game for a living – and, yes, people enjoy watching him – but how is he suddenly Mother Teresa in pinstripes? Can’t we just applaud his ability to play well without elevating his athletic feats to biblical heights?

Heck, famed baseball writer Roger Angell wrote a 733-word goodbye letter to Jeter for The New Yorker. The next time, I’d prefer if he just sent him a postcard.

At his “Farewell Game” last week at Yankee Stadium, I half-expected “The Captain” to take the ice bucket challenge while Yankees management announced that ALS was being renamed “Derek Jeter’s Disease.”

(The Yankees showered Jeter with gifts at his farewell fete, including a 10-day trip to Tuscany. Why Tuscany? Because Jeter has never dated a Tuscan model.)

Ah, what a life this guy has led off the field – he’s been in more nightclubs than dugouts and seen more model runways than airport runways. When it comes to dating, Jeter never has to wait in the on-deck circle.

For all his striking stats, here is Jeter’s most breathtaking one:

In back-to-back-to-back-to- back-to-back-to-back-to-back- to-back-to-back-to-back years beginning in 2000, he dated Lara Dutta, Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Vida Guerra, Adriana Lima, Jessica Biel, Tyra Banks, Rachel Uchitel and Minka Kelly.

Two things to note here:

(a) Dutta is a former Miss Universe, and most dating scholars don’t even classify her among the top 10 most beautiful women Jeter has ever escorted.

(b) Jeter, impressively, somehow has avoided any and all Kardashians.

By any sabermetrics measure, Jeter is a unanimous first-ballot selection in the Don Juan Hall of Fame.

Speaking of which, if he’s not a unanimous first-ballot choice into the Baseball Hall of Fame, it will push social media to its virtual capacity. Whatever poor soul or souls leave him off their ballot in five years will need cyber-police protection.

I’m also tired of the narrative that Jeter is a team-first guy who absolutely hates all this attention.

Really?

Well, this may be true but, apparently, his attention can be bought. How else to explain that on Sept. 22, before a night game with the Orioles, Jeter will host a “Meet and Greet Farewell Luncheon” in Manhattan? According to the New York Post’s Phil Mushnick, his most devoted fans have been invited to pay tribute to Jeter – as long as they pay.

For $2,500, you get lunch, a photo-op and one “limited edition Jeter-signed item.”

For $4,500, in addition to the grilled fish, Kodak moment and autograph, you actually get to talk to The Captain!!!

That’s an extra two grand for:

“Hi, Derek, how’s it going?”

“Great, pal – I need the CVC number off the back of your credit card.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. Why do you traffic in such trivial nonsense in your column when there are so many serious issues to address? (Evan Cox; Washington, D.C.)

A. I’ve never bought into that whole “an unexamined life is not worth living” business. Socrates can stare at his navel all he wants; I prefer to play Twister.

Q. What exactly are Tim Tebow’s qualifications for joining ABC’s “Good Morning America” as a correspondent? (Michael Abrams; Indianapolis)

A. He knows how to say, “Good morning,” and he lives in America.

Q. What’s your scouting report on Luol Deng? (Chris Wright; Charleston, West Virginia.)

A. He’s got some Duke in him. And I don’t say that in a bad way.

Q. Given that the NFL will allow performers to be in the Super Bowl if they pay money, do you think there is a chance that the league will extend that opportunity to the Cleveland Browns? (Eddie Vidmar; Cleveland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.