Doug Clark: Political pollution is grime against nature

Today we celebrate the winners of my Sign Gripe Contest, which rewards readers for picking the most hideous examples of real estate infected by campaign signs.

Before getting to that, however, I would first like to name the contest’s undisputed loser.

That would be me.

I must’ve been asleep at the switch. But it didn’t dawn on me that judging entries meant that I would waste a half-tank of gas and the better part of two days driving around and staring at the one thing I hate more than just about anything else.

Political pollution.

My contempt for campaign signage is what started this.

Now I’m suffering from PTBS or Post-Traumatic Blowhard Syndrome.

I’m seeing Judge Leland signs in my sleep.

Or I’ll close my eyes a moment and see the giant word “OZZIE” flashing behind my eyelids.

Make it stop!

My ballot for the upcoming election arrived in the mail the other day.

I start twitching at the thought of opening it and seeing those names again …

Beggs and Haskell. Wilhite and Alene. Shea and Road Rage.

Sorry. I’m hallucinating, like that time I dreamed of becoming a pot farmer and joining the City Council.

I know. How bughouse crazy can you get?

Anyway, as promised, the top three Sign Gripe winners will receive copies of “Singin’ the News,” my bootleg CD that includes 14 parody songs about the weirdest damned things that actually happened.

But as Grand Prize Winner, Karen McCandless also will get a rare dust-caked Jim West for Spokane mayor sign that I have been storing in my garage as a hedge against inflation.

Karen captured the top prize for two reasons:

Bigelow and Argonne Road, the location she picked, truly is one butt-ugly hodgepodge of hype.

Karen composed an original poem imaginatively titled – “Intersection of Bigelow Gulch and Argonne Rd.” – to go with it. And I quote …

Sun Shining

Skies blue

Coming down Gulch road

I swear we flew.

Thinking that the day was fantastic

We slammed on the brakes

When we saw all the plastic.

Perched on a hillside

No trees in sight

These folks must be in

One hell of a fight.

Air pollution, noise pollution

That’s all just dandy

But I can tell you

This sure ain’t eye candy.

Karen’s right. I drove to her blight site and can affirm that it is a sprawl of signs.

Compounding the insult is that the area is otherwise a nice woodsy part of our landscape.

You can’t say that about our second-place winner, submitted by Cindy Thompson:

Appleway and Dishman

This is a place of weeds, traffic exhaust and seedy-looking buildings.

Throw in a score of signs – many of which were either falling down or already knocked over – and, well, you can pretty much imagine why Cindy picked this.

“I don’t hate the signs,” she wrote in her email. “I just hate when they aren’t maintained.”

This woman is a lot more gracious than I am when it comes to partisan placards.

If I had any say in the matter, no campaign sign would be allowed to perch on a public roadside, intersection or thoroughfare.

Period.

If private citizens want to litter their homesteads, well, so be it.

But creating eyesores on our highways and byways is grime against nature.

Speaking of which …

Highway 2 and Mt. Spokane Road

“Isn’t it littering?” asked Bob Brown after I called to tell him about his third-place win.

It certainly should be, Bob.

Picture dozens of randomly placed signs covering a broad patch of close-cropped ground that faces a busy highway.

“ReElect Chase.” “Alene Lindstrand for Auditor.” “Vote Roger Trainor.” “Bob McCaslin.” “Chris Bugbee.”

“Derr-Beggs-Brandt.”

“That’s the most obscene signage that I’ve seen so far,” noted Bob.

Is this what our forefathers envisioned when they began this noble experiment called America?

All I know is that I’m starting to twitch again.