Confront in-law about weight digs

Dear Carolyn:

I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years and the only time we ever fight is about his mother.

Every time we see my in-laws, my mother-in-law offers me advice about weight loss, or gives me books, tapes, etc., on it. Yes, I am overweight (size 12-16) and my size has gone up and down over the years.

I have received such helpful tips – including my favorite, “All you have to do is eat less and exercise more.” Really? Gee, because I thought it was the opposite.

My husband’s stance is that we only see them a few times a year and his mother will never change. When I have talked about it with her, she says I am oversensitive or just says she has never said anything to me about my weight – complete denial.

So yesterday, I asked my husband to please tell his mother not to comment on my weight this Thanksgiving. We got into a big fight and he ended up calling her and disinviting them to Thanksgiving. Now everyone is upset. I feel like the bad guy and do not know what to do next.

– More Than a Number on a Scale

I realize feeling like the bad guy is the price you’ve paid, but that role belongs to the person who thinks 20 years of uninvited commentary on another person’s body is even remotely appropriate.

But – as long as you’re feeling bad-guyish, why not bring on some snark?

For example, next time she starts in, grab a pen and ask, “What was that last one?”

Or: “Twenty years, you’ve advised me about my weight. How’s that working?” Twirl for her.

If/when she protests, counter with this, gently: “How do you think I’ve felt, being viewed as wrong, damaged, broken or less-than through your eyes for the entirety of my marriage?” Then never respond to this topic again.

This is not intended to unlock her apparently meager stores of empathy. Instead, it’s about your grabbing this up in both fists and heaving it off you like a bag of dirt.