Term ‘fiance’ applies to old as to young

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who has been seeing a widower for over a year. He is such a lovely and distinguished gentleman. We are planning on being married soon.

We are both in our 80s and do not wish to live together without being married. We feel it sends the wrong message to our children and grandchildren.

I am puzzled as to how I should introduce my gentleman friend to my friends. At our age, is it appropriate to introduce him as my fiance?

Gentle Reader: It is true that the term “fiance” is now used in odd ways. Miss Manners has noticed that in news accounts, if an unmarried mother is beaten up by the father of at least some of her children, he will be identified as her boyfriend, whereas if he is not mistreating her, he is referred to as her fiance. It, and the female equivalent, is often used by couples who seem to have no intention of being married.

But she is puzzled about why you believe there is an age limit in using the term correctly, to describe the gentleman you do, indeed, plan to marry. As with the terms “husband” and “wife,” there is no association with age.

Perhaps you are reacting against the sudden descent into girlishness that so often overtakes brides who are independent and over the age of consent – the bouffant white dresses, the summoning of someone to give them away, the notion that others must refurnish their long-since-established households.

Miss Manners is indulgent about those aspects that are merely in questionable taste, although she roundly condemns grabbiness in bridal couples of any age. But though she admires second and late-life weddings that are sophisticated, rather than showy, she doesn’t want to spoil the fun of those who crave all-out pageants.

She would be sorry to think that the show business wedding had come to be so accepted as the standard that you and your lovely, distinguished fiance could not use the traditional terms.