Ex is moving on much too fast

Dear Carolyn:

I’ve recently finalized a divorce with my partner of 14-plus years. It was mostly amicable, with the intent to remain friends, since we share custody of two sons and continue to work in the same company.

Despite the fact that the divorce was amicable and mutual, every day I still feel anguish and grief about what has been lost. I am seeing a counselor trying to work through those feelings. My ex however, seems happy enjoying the freedom of being single, dating rather prodigiously and jumping into physical relationships.

I do genuinely want her to be happy, but I am finding the speed at which she has moved on is hurtful and honestly makes me resentful. I feel at this point it is too painful for me to be friends with her, as we had agreed before, but is that bad of me? If I am honest with myself, I think we could be friends if she were feeling at least some of the misery I have been going through every day.

– Managing Life After Divorce

She’s on her journey, and you’re on yours.

You don’t know what hers involves any more than she knows of yours – as you chose, mutually, with the divorce. You know only what you see, not what she feels, and “seems happy” is not grounds to reverse your course.

I realize how bloodless this sounds; I don’t mean it to. Divorce is many kinds of agony. Amicable ones come with the surprising challenge of having no villain to blame.

That sense you’ve been left behind is a terrible, hollow feeling.

It’s just so important not to act on it. Re-casting your ex as the bad guy will be so tempting. But it will ultimately cost you, because seeing your ex as anything but a fellow human doing her best will replace the compassion of your choices with adversity. Please, please, don’t.

Remember, too, how easy it is to regard your pain now as How Things Shall Eternally Be. You will heal – presumably, as will she.