Miss Manners: Turn down friend who breaks plans

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who calls or comes by only when she has no one else to hang out with.

We’ve known each other for 13 years and have gone out together only two times that I can recall. She asks me to do things with her, then makes plans with other people and doesn’t even let me know that she changed her plans, so I get stuck sitting around trying to come up with something to do all day.

I want to say something, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding hurtful or resentful. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: “I’m so sorry, I’m busy.” If you have gone out only twice in 13 years, Miss Manners assures you that this answer is unlikely to have an adverse affect on either your social calendar or what you generously call a friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend invited herself to our house for Thanksgiving, and I did not say no. My husband had a fit and says no way. How do I tell her she cannot come over for dinner?

GENTLE READER: You might take a lesson from your husband in how to say no. Apparently he knows how to do this effectively.

Actually, you would have had to learn to top him at that had you actually issued the Thanksgiving invitation. But as your friend issued it herself, Miss Manners will allow you some leeway.

You could tell her, in tones of extreme regret, that while you would love to have her to dinner, it will have to be on another occasion, as in this case you had failed to check with your husband and now find that it is impossible.

But please do not try to explain why it is impossible. Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument.