Give mom a call on day she grieves

Hi, Carolyn: My father-in-law died seven years ago yesterday. My mother-in-law called my husband first thing this morning, upset because she had not heard from him. I suspect no one called her. My husband said he didn’t even realize yesterday was the day, and if he did, he would have been hesitant to call her for fear of upsetting her.

In our defense, neither of us is the type to commemorate a family member’s death. They are far from forgotten, but personally I would prefer to remember the good days – not the saddest day!

Do we really need to make the effort to remember? I feel she has made little effort to move forward after his death, and it almost feels like remembering would be akin to giving a drink to an alcoholic.

Please keep in mind, most of her five children speak to her weekly. – E.

I realize you object to guilt-tripping, rightly. But sometimes the issue isn’t whether you’re right, it’s whether there’s any value in being right.

Plus, which day you prefer to remember is of zero relevance to someone else’s grief.

His mom cares about this anniversary, so your husband can program his calendar, painlessly, to remind him to call Mom. Problem solved.

More important, problem not enabled: Failing to call in the past hasn’t moved your mother-in-law “forward,” right? So take that as permission to abandon any goals of behavior modification. If your husband has larger concerns about his mom, then he should pay attention to what she needs.