Offer support to friend with troubled child

Q. My friend’s child was admitted to a crisis center for a psychiatric evaluation. I do not know if I should call her, and if I do, what do I say?

A. “Of course, call your friend. Offer support through listening to her story and ask if she needs you to do chores or run errands, such as water the plants or walk the dog. Take care of the routine she has at home so she can be present with her child,” advised Marilyn Roberts, a National Alliance on Mental Illness family-to-family educator in Thurston County, Wash.

Your experience helping your friend may help educate you about mental illness, too.

“People seek causes for mental illness, such as bad parenting, drugs or alcohol or in-utero exposure. These are myths. Education will dispel any stigma you have about mental illness.”

Roberts recommended websites such as nami.org or nimh.nih.gov. They offer current information, dispelling these old beliefs.

When she attended the 2012 national NAMI conference, Roberts learned what the Human Genome Project is revealing about mental illness. For example, schizophrenia could be caused, in part, by errors in the gene code.

“There is a biological component – sequencing issues in the gene code that contribute to mental illness, but much remains unknown,” Roberts said.

The trajectory of mental illness and recovery is long, but recovery is possible. Sometimes after a mental health diagnosis, many friends quit calling. So reassure your friend that you are there for her. You may even encourage her to contact the local NAMI affiliate for support.

“Mental illnesses are treatable, medical conditions. They are biological brain disorders that manifest themselves as complex behaviors. Sometimes the behaviors are scary, causing frustration and fear for loved ones,” Roberts said.

You would support this friend if her child were in an intensive care unit for a physical trauma, right? Act the same way in this case, with compassion and knowledge.

Q. Due to a community committee obligation, I will now see an acquaintance, whose husband died a few years ago, almost every month. I never sent a card at the time, even though I knew her well enough to do so. Should I apologize for my lapse?

A. No need to apologize, unless you have a gut feeling that the widow can’t get past your oversight. Likely that’s not the case. In the first few months of grief, it’s hard to focus on the daily tasks at hand, let alone keep track of acquaintances who neglected to send cards.

Close friends who didn’t acknowledge a loss? That’s a different story.

Seeing the widow now offers a fresh opportunity to show compassion and concern. It’s never too late to say you’re sorry for another person’s profound loss.

Sheryll Shepard, a chaplain at Hospice of Spokane, who is also a widow, said: “The primary thing to be mindful of is that a person whose husband died is living with that every single day, even though everyone else has moved on. To acknowledge the death is always a kind thing to do.”

People in grief, whether the loss happened five weeks or five years ago, appreciate those who listen to their grief stories, without giving advice or talking about their own losses.

“People who are grieving are grieving forever,” Shepard pointed out. “Grief changes, but it’s ongoing.”

Shepard suggested this wording: “I realize your husband died a few years ago, and I am wondering how you are.”

The widow may say “I’m fine” without any elaboration. But your job is done. You’ve acknowledged the loss and as Shepard pointed out, “you’ve opened the door for the person to feel safe enough to talk about where they are in the grief process.”