Bad idea to refer to ex as ‘crazy’

Dear Carolyn: I work in D.C. in a field where discretion is important, and I’m a single guy on the D.C. dating scene, both of which mean I get Googled often. I just discovered that my most recent ex-girlfriend, who was a functioning alcoholic and had previously spent time in a mental institution, slandered me online under an anonymous profile. When I called asking her to take it down, I was threatened with a lawsuit for harassment. (She’s a lawyer.)

Her link is on the first page of my Google results, and though I created multiple new personal sites to knock it down, it stubbornly stays up there. Her vile comments are untrue, but you can’t remove things from the Internet, and I’ve already been asked about them by a potential date.

What do I tell a girl or friends or future employers when they find this information? I want to explain how literally crazy the accuser is without seeming like an idiot who dated a spiteful alcoholic and mental patient. – N.

Or the idiot who counter-slams someone who is suffering from serious emotional problems?

Just for grins, talk to a lawyer of your own about this. It may amount to spending hundreds of dollars to confirm there’s nothing you can do, but that’s still better than skittering uninformedly away at the first hint of a threat. People who make such threats count on that.

The most important thing you can do, whatever the outcome of the legal consultation and the name-polishing: Live in a way that exposes her accusations as gratuitous and spiteful. Don’t call anyone “crazy.” Don’t call yourself an idiot for caring about her. Don’t be so consumed by damage control that you call attention to the damage.

And, don’t fall into the classic “evil ex” trap – as in, describe the ex with such free-flowing vitriol that you force people to ask themselves how you’ll someday talk about them.