Dating sites discover booming audience

Baby boomers are swelling the ranks of online dating sites and John Valentino is a happy veteran.

At 57, after a decade of pushing profiles and awkward meet-ups with strangers, he’s married to 54-year-old Debbie, a former Marine he met online two years ago.

“I had plenty of lemons before lemonade, believe me,” says Valentino, a furniture salesman in Long Branch, N.J.

One prospect said he was too old. Another went out with him to win a bet with a co-worker.

A third told him all about her two grown sons and “their careers in the penal system, only they weren’t guards.”

That’s when Valentino ventured onto a site that caters to older people, then called SeniorPeopleMeet.com.

He quickly let go of his prejudice against the word “senior” and found Debbie, who has war stories of her own about trying to find a mate her age online.

“On other sites, most of the men who would contact me were a lot younger,” she says. “I would say, ‘Why are you writing me, I’m looking for somebody my own age.’

“I made it very clear in my profile. They would say I want the experience of dating an older woman.”

Dating online the second time around – after divorce or the death of a spouse – isn’t always second nature among the nation’s 78 million boomers, let alone people who are 65 and older, but neither is it all that scary.

Yet they often have unrealistic notions of how to hunt for love and companionship, says Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington, sex and relationship expert for the AARP and developer of an algorithm to make matches more meaningful on the dating site PerfectMatch.com.

“People 65 or older, they’re picky in a different way,” Schwartz says. “Young people tend to go for looks, period. Older people often have a little bit more leeway on what somebody looks like, but then they have all these other kinds of requirements that may or may not be realistic.”

For example, a snowbird with a second home may be looking for a mate willing to winter in Arizona. Others may unnecessarily limit possibilities by ruling out partners with health issues.

In addition, Schwartz says, “Men are very interested in women being self-sufficient. Women are deathly afraid of becoming nursemaids, but long lists can really hurt. I hate the word settle, but you need to be practical.”

Most are looking for a long-term relationship within a five-year span of their own age, she says.

On eHarmony.com, an industry leader, people 50 and older are one of the fastest-growing segments among its more than 33 million users worldwide.

The same goes for competitor Match.com, which said about 25 percent of its members are between 50 and 65. Boomers on Match have grown 89 percent in the last five years, site officials said, including 71 percent after a divorce and 11 percent who were widowed.

The site where John and Debbie Valentino met has since become OurTime, with 1 million members and in the same corporate family as Match.

OurTime boasts: “At last! A dating site that not only understands what it is to be over 50, but also celebrates this exciting chapter of our lives.”

Thirty percent of users surveyed said they’re looking exclusively for a serious relationship. About 20 percent are looking exclusively for something more casual and the rest are open to either.

OurTime users ages 50 to 64 said their top priority is a long-term relationship, while those 65 and older said companionship was their main goal.

The site’s membership has grown more than 400 percent since 2009. About 65 percent of the members have been divorced and 25 percent widowed.

According to the research firm comScore, the number of online dating site users overall who are 50 and older has grown twice as rapidly as all other age groups. Usage by the 50-plus set is up 8 percent across sites.

Gail Saltz, a psychology professor in New York and OurTime’s relationship expert, says people over 50 – especially women – can feel more comfortable on sites where they’re not competing with younger faces.

“In addition, you’re going to not only be a good competitor but you’re going to find other like-minded people who are looking for that, so you don’t have to put yourself out there,” she says.

Scott Valdez, who owns VirtualDatingAssistants.com, a dating concierge service for all ages, says stretching the comfort zone is the first hurdle for older newbies who grew up with different notions about privacy and are trying to adjust to tell-all life online.

“Posting a profile with pictures for other members on the site to see is not negotiable,” he says. “And you’ve also got to be willing to proactively contact people without letting it bruise your ego when they don’t respond.”