Talk to son about wedding, finances

Dear Carolyn: My son is getting married in four months. He and his fiancee have lived together for eight years and have a baby daughter. The mother of the bride (MOTB), along with the bride, have a HUGE wedding planned, with over 200 guests. MOTB has pretty much left me out of all the planning (I live about 10 hours away), with the exception of this: She’s asked me to pay for the rehearsal dinner, the limo ride and one hour of an open bar at the reception.

MOTB knows that I lost my job almost a year ago, collected unemployment and now work a 16-hour-per-week job at minimum wage.

What’s the etiquette for couples who have lived together for eight years, have a child, and have parents who can’t afford a “royal wedding”? Should I just be blunt with MOTB and tell her, “This is what I can afford, and this is what I’m paying for and nothing else”? – L.

Clearly MOTB (pronounced Motba, like Mothra) needs to hear the truth.

In fact, the one suggestion I’m tempted to make is that you respectfully and lovingly decline to pay any wedding expenses at all. You’re barely scraping by!

But making sense and avoiding bankruptcy aren’t the only things you want to accomplish here. You also want to serve your relationship with your son.

To that end, two suggestions:

(1) Shelve the disgust at the fancy wedding. Yes, after eight years and a kid, it’s a bit much, but you can’t stop it, can’t hope to contain it, and so there’s no happy ending available through snark.

(2) Talk to your son about the rehearsal dinner and your financial pinch. Show them love and respect by including them in your decision: “Here’s what I have and here’s what we’ve been asked to give: What are your and fiancee’s priorities? Because I want to do what’s best for you two.”