Beau’s parents are too involved

Hi, Carolyn! So, my boyfriend of three years and I have discussed engagement, but now I am struggling with a recent family mess. My boyfriend’s car was totaled, and instantly his parents were heavily involved. They wanted him to buy his car back from insurance, take the money and fix it up.

While I disagreed, I worked really hard to express my thoughts respectfully and not pressure anyone. My boyfriend said he was going to buy the car back, and that despite his parents’ pressure, it was his idea.

His family suddenly said buying the car back was a bad idea. Then, suddenly, he changed his mind.

The car is his deal. But, it makes me worry how they might influence his big life decisions in the future, when they are our decisions. The near-constant calls and texts pushing his parents’ opinions are too much. How do I learn to manage it? It isn’t like I can make them change. – Car Clash

Nope, you can’t.

But you can ask your boyfriend how he perceives his parents’ involvement.

And, you can listen carefully for accountability vs. dismissiveness.

And, if his response doesn’t inspire confidence, or if he asks your opinion you can explain how you see it: as bullying by them, as disrespectful of him, as stressful for you, as a problem in your (possible) future together.

And, you can gently challenge any rationalizations.

And, from this exchange, you can project his maturity, his willingness to face tough challenges.

And, you can use these projections to inform your decision on marriage.

These don’t add up to the perfect parental remedy but it does give you all the resources you need to keep your boyfriend’s parents from ever holding your strings.