Carolyn Hax: Mom bothered by daughter’s decision

Dear Carolyn: My daughter and her boyfriend recently bought a house together. She talks as if they will be getting married but are not officially engaged.

I’m trying to be patient because she’s 30 and her own person, but I can’t help but feel having a financial responsibility (the house) makes it even more important to make the relationship legal. I try not to bring the topic up, but it really eats at me. Doesn’t help that I’m pretty traditional about relationships and the living-together thing isn’t comfortable for me. How do I get past this? – Seattle

You’re traditional, you’re worried for a few reasons, and you’re mindful that your daughter is a sentient, independent adult.

If you do think it will help to say something to your daughter, then your best approach would be to neither deny nor minimize nor omit any one of these three elements. For example: “You’re capable of running your own life, and if you don’t dismiss me on those grounds, you’ll probably write me off as traditional and upset about the whole living-together thing. You wouldn’t be wrong either way. However, I’d sleep better at night if I knew you were protecting yourself financially, and not just counting on this marriage to happen.” In your words, of course.

That’s a message that shows loving concern for your daughter without judging her or muscling in on her turf. As long as your relationship with your daughter isn’t compromised for some other reason, it will endure that expression of concern, if not be strengthened by it.

It may be that she has already tried to assure you that her eyes are open and her financial and legal position is sound. In that case, your expressing concern for her would come across as a barely veiled request that she do things your way – so I’d recommend instead that you keep your fingers crossed, and in your pocket.