Make your own dating rituals

Dear Carolyn: I thought you were right on in your answer to B. from Maine (about who pays for dates, Feb. 3, 2010). You were correct to suggest kindness.

However, I think your answer was a little simplistic when you said, “Note that none of these (rules) is gender-specific,” including, “If you ask someone to dinner, you pay.” Let’s be real, the rules are not gender-specific, but the rituals are. Who does most of the asking? Our culture’s courtship rituals are based upon gender roles of previous generations. The man’s role is the provider (paying for the dinners, dating, dancing, driving expenses and eventually diamonds).

What do you suggest men do in order to continue to be kind, but also not always be expected to pay? – B. from Virginia

The only way any of us can change anything outside ourselves is for us to make changes inside. If you want women to pick up some checks, then date self-supporting, independent-minded women. If a woman continually sits on her hands while you pay, then stop seeing her.

If those are the only women you ever find, then take a hard look at what you find attractive (and off-putting) in women. Ultimately, your own taste in women will have far more say in your rituals and romances than society ever will.

If you want women to do the asking, then make yourself accessible – easy to talk to, slow to judge, receptive to invitations and faultlessly immune to gender-baiting. If you think diamonds are archaic, then look around. Women who see them as a waste of a perfectly good down payment aren’t even cutting-edge anymore.

If in the end you choose someone who has traditional expectations, or even if you decide you’d rather keep paying to keep dating, realize this is a choice you’re making – not one tradition forced down your throat.