Parents can help kids deal with divorce

In many ways, divorce is like a death. When mom and dad can no longer live in harmony under the same roof, children sometimes struggle with fear and insecurity while grappling with feelings of grief and loss.

“It’s the death of a dream and a death of a relationship,” said Diana Hornbogen, a psychotherapist who specializes in marriage and family issues at St. Joseph Family Center in Spokane.

“But often as parents, we get caught up in our own grief and emotional issues. … For the kids, it’s the death of a family.”

Divorce continues to be a fact of life for many American families. According to 2008 statistics from the Centers for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics, the marriage rate in 2007 was 7.1 percent per 1,000 total population while the divorce rate was 3.6 percent.

Although the rate decreased slightly between 2000 and 2007, it’s reasonable to say that almost half of all marriages in the United States still end in divorce.

A divorce or separation can be painful for everyone involved, but it’s up to both mom and dad to alleviate anxieties and help their children adjust to change. Even if a couple is separated or divorced, it’s important for them to set their differences aside and share the responsibility of raising the kids, Hornbogen stressed.

“The divorce doesn’t end the relationship,” she said. “They are co-parents for life.”

To help parents and families as they cope with the many changes that come with divorce, Hornbogen offers a class at St. Joseph called “Parenting Children of Divorce.”

Nearly 2,000 parents have taken the course in the past five years, according to Julie Terrell, St. Joseph development director. Most come by themselves, but some also show up with their ex- or soon-to-be-ex-spouse, even though they may sit on opposite ends of the room.

The class has seen an enrollment growth of about 25 percent in the past two years, Terrell said. She attributes the increase to the economic downturn, which has caused psychological stress and taken a toll on families.

“The kids suffer if parents don’t get out there and figure out what they can do to help themselves and their children,” she said.

Despite concerns that divorce can have serious consequences for a child’s well-being, about 75 to 80 percent of children who experience the divorce of their parents become healthy, well-functioning adults, Hornbogen assured.

The key, she said, is for parents to reduce conflict and create a supportive climate for kids.

The divorce itself doesn’t have to be a source of trauma, Hornbogen said. In fact, it can be beneficial if the separation means an end to marital dispute.

According to the Washington State Parenting Act Study, a 1999 report presented to the Washington State Gender and Justice Commission and Domestic Relations Commission, parental conflict is one of the major factors that affect a child’s well-being after a divorce.

Other issues that can influence a child’s sense of happiness and security include: adequate income; frequency of moves after a divorce; and the psychological, emotional, social and economic well-being of the primary residential parent.

During the three-hour course at St. Joseph, Hornbogen talks to parents about how divorce or separation can affect their children at different developmental stages, from infancy and toddlerhood through the preschool and elementary years, all the way to adolescence and the teens.

Each stage displays its own distress signs – for instance, an inability to stop crying among younger children or aggression and withdrawal during the teen years.

Hornbogen also helps parents come up with their own strategies to help families adjust to their new arrangements.

Some children, especially the younger ones, blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, she said.

“Kids tend to feel that if their parents are getting divorced, it must be something they did,” she said. “When they hear their parents fight, they think, ‘I must be a bad kid or else mom and dad wouldn’t be doing this to me.’ ”

That’s why moms and dads have to constantly reassure their children that it’s not their fault and that both parents still love them even if they live apart, she said.

Hornbogen also emphasizes to parents the importance of good communication – with each other and also their kids.

For younger children, that may mean drawing pictures of a car driving back and forth between two households, both equipped with blankets, toys and other things that the child associates with security and comfort.

Doing this will help young kids realize that they will continue to spend time with both parents and that they will be cared for and loved, she said.

Besides maintaining a relationship with both parents, children need predictability, Hornbogen and other experts say.

For the first year or two, try to keep some parts of their life the same, if possible. Keep them at the same school, surround them with their friends, continue doing the same activities.

“They benefit from some routine and some expectations so that everything is not a surprise,” Hornbogen wrote in a handout she distributes to parents.

Several studies show that the ideal custody arrangement is one in which both parents spend an equal amount of time with their children.

Infants need to see both parents every single day, Hornbogen said. She knows of a few couples who have kept the children at the family home while the parents take turns living with them. Some find a place to live just a few blocks away so the children can easily switch from one household to the other.

It’s a type of business arrangement, she acknowledged, but it often takes two mature adults who are willing to make sacrifices on behalf of their children’s needs.

During her class, Hornbogen encourages parents to share their ideas and experiences while also providing her own expertise on parenting skills, conflict resolution and issues that pertain specifically to remarriages and blended families.

In addition to her work as a marriage and family therapist, Hornbogen is also a certified mediator who helps couples negotiate an equitable settlement instead of turning to lawyers and the courts as they go through the divorce. During this time, she addresses the needs of the whole family.

“When you touch one piece of a mobile, all the pieces move – that’s how I look at families,” she said.

“When a child is acting out, the child is usually reacting to the forces that are pressing on him in a system. … (At St. Joseph), we see the family as a whole system.”