Go to counseling without ‘recluse’

Dear Annie: My husband, “Don,” and I have been married for over 35 years and have five grown children. Don is a difficult person. When he is around, we all walk on eggshells. To protect the children, I have always been the peacemaker. Things have eased up since the children moved out, but Don has no friends and has become a recluse.

My problem now is that we live like roommates unless he wants sex or a good meal. There is very little emotional engagement, and I am thinking seriously of ending the marriage. I’ve tried to get him to counseling, but he refuses. He blames me for the problems in our marriage. Don never accepts responsibility for the pain and suffering he has caused. He’s accused me of affairs with other men and even women. He is jealous that I make friends easily and doesn’t like it when I have anyone over. He chastises people who call the house to talk to me, saying they are disrespectful because they do not acknowledge him. But when they do, his response to them is cool and aloof.

Any love I once had for him is buried in anger, bitterness and resentment. I am tired and feel the need to move on, but I don’t know how to do it. Any suggestions? – Burned Out

Dear Burned Out: Staying in a bad marriage for 35 years can take a toll. Your husband may not realize how close you are to leaving, and he seems too stubborn to make the effort to fix things. Don’t wait for him to agree to counseling. Go without him. Simply unburdening yourself to a professional can be beneficial, and it will help you work through your feelings and reach a decision about your next step.