Cassel ‘concerned’ about his clipboard

Prior to Sunday’s Patriots-Jets game, it had been nearly nine years since Matt Cassel was a starting quarterback. (In that start, Cassel went 3 of 11 for 46 yards – and he was in high school.) Understandably, Cassel was a jumble of emotions after his new lot in Patriots life sunk in to his psyche.

Here is his private journal from the week leading up to his NFL cotillion:

Monday: Had to substitute for Tom Brady on his radio show – it wasn’t exactly like having to fill in for Walter Winchell. … Aw, man, I have to read the whole playbook? Can’t I get some CliffsNotes, like I did for “Huckleberry Finn”? … I hate to complain, but USC paid a bit better than the pros and they NEVER made me play there. … Hey, I was 13 of 18 for 152 yards against the Chiefs – not exactly Kyle Boller numbers. …

I just took a look at our schedule. Heck, Deanna Favre could quarterback this team to 10-6.

Tuesday: I’m a little worried because the last game I started – senior year at Chatsworth High – we couldn’t even beat Pacific Palisades! … Sent a get-well card and flowers to Tom Brady; sent a side of beef and a Ferrari to Bernard Pollard. … Practiced against the first-team defense for the first time. Boy, those guys are even faster than they seem on Madden 09. … I didn’t even know we had a four-receiver package. …

I’m glad Coach Belichick concentrates on defense. He scares me.

Wednesday: I don’t want to say, “I told you so,” but when I saw Tom Brady on the cover of Esquire this month, I said to him, “Didn’t you ever hear of the Esquire jinx?” Ellen Barkin, Winona Ryder, Sharon Stone, Pierce Brosnan and David Duchovny all once were on their cover! … If I’m The Man now, don’t I get the supermodel? … Before last week, I hadn’t been in a huddle since November 1999. … I hope I don’t say the wrong thing to Randy Moss. …

Now I can go to my 10-year high school reunion.

Thursday: This is the first time I’ve talked to newspaper reporters. If they weren’t asking stupid questions, what would those guys do for a living? … Not only haven’t I started a game since high school, I couldn’t even get a date for the senior prom. … What do I miss most about USC? Going to class every other Thursday. … I peeked into Coach Belichick’s office after hours – his closet is full of hooded sweatshirts. …

Stupid is as stupid does: I keep calling center Dan Koppen “Don.”

Friday: Upside to being a starter: First dibs on showers and towels after practices. Downside to being a starter: Because of extra team meetings, now I have to TiVo “Oprah” every afternoon. … I hope that hot foot I gave left tackle Matt Light a couple years back doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt. … Driving home, I switched on WEEI and they were cracking on me. And all I was trying to do was win Red Sox tickets. …

Drew Bledsoe might’ve been Wally Pipp, but maybe Tom Brady will be Shelley Long.

Saturday: I don’t want to tell the media how to do their jobs, but how come nobody ever points out that, lately, Tom Brady can’t beat Peyton or Eli Manning? … Teddy Bruschi caught me taking a picture of the depth chart with my camera phone. … I hope I don’t have to call any audibles. I’ve never been a good public speaker. … Left Matt Leinart a voice mail – asked him if he was starting this week. Hah! …

Who’s going to watch my clipboard during the game?

Sunday: What, you think I want to run through that tunnel when there are Jets fans at the end of it? … Dang. Nobody told me Brett Favre’s playing for the Jets. … Coach Belichick yelled and yelled at halftime; thankfully, I was listening to the Backstreet Boys on my iPod. … Aw, man, I almost forgot about Randy Moss. … Would it kill somebody to block No. 99 of the Jets? … Hey, I was 16 of 23 of 165 yards – not exactly Rex Grossman numbers. … I don’t know what “win ugly” is; I’m actually pretty good-looking. …

Hmmm. Did I hear anybody say 19-0?

Ask The Slouch

Q. Athletes like Rick Ankiel get a “sports hernia.” Do violinists get a musical hernia or lawyers get a legal hernia or writers get a literary hernia? (Tom Gaglione; Middleburg Heights, Ohio)

A. Actually, all I ever suffer are paper cuts.

Q. Do you think anybody is close to perfecting a batting glove that doesn’t need adjusting after pitches that are taken? (Robert Nein; Mercer Island, Wash.)

A. If condom manufacturers took on batting gloves, this problem would be solved.

Q. Which is a bigger waste of time, fantasy football or marriage counseling? (Bruce Devney; Strongsville, Ohio)

A. Marriage counseling – at least with fantasy football, you have a chance of getting your money back.

Q. I believe I’ve come up with the Washington Nationals’ marketing campaign for next season: “Triple A Baseball at Major League Prices.” What do you think? (Marty Chase; Chevy Chase, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.