Favre as a Jet? A disaster

The 2008 NFL season, like most NFL seasons, will be littered with bad coaching, bad quarterbacking, bad announcing and, of course, bad replay challenges. And in a time of uncertainty, the only certainty is that the New England Patriots will not go 19-0, even if they are 18-0 and 12-point favorites in Super Bowl 43.

Here is what else you should know:

The Brett Favre thing? Uh, it’s not going to end well. Brett Favre migrating to East Rutherford makes about as much sense as Pope Benedict XVI vacationing at Graceland. In New York, these things never work out. Neil O’Donnell was the last Super Bowl-winning quarterback to journey to the Jets, and I believe he now supervises Tunisian-bound deliveries for Airborne Express.

I’m not just talking dismal here, I’m talking disaster. Favre has his legendary 253-game streak as a starting quarterback – that will end in Week 1, to a freak season-ending throat injury in the second quarter.

Even if he doesn’t get hurt, Favre will be abducted by aliens at halftime of Week 2 and taken to Pluto, where the frozen tundra will better suit his game.

If he is somehow still standing in December, it is possible one of Favre’s passes will be wind-swept out of the Meadowlands and into Upper Montclair.

Colt Brennan is a Redskin. This causes me great pain. For quite a while, I have not rooted for my hometown Washington Redskins, due to longstanding ownership issues. Even when Joe Gibbs returned, I did not root for the Redskins, due to longstanding ownership issues. And now, with my main man Colt Brennan on the roster, I still cannot root for the Redskins, due to longstanding ownership issues.

But I’m going to do a one-time favor for my erstwhile favorite franchise:

Play Colt Brennan.

As many of you know, I’ve touted this kid since he was knee-high to a sea turtle. I told America he was Heisman-worthy. Then he had one bad game, in the Sugar Bowl, and everyone was ready to consign both of us to a cruise-ship karaoke bar.

Jason Campbell? Nice guy, good player. Colt Brennan? A once-in-a-lifetime island volcano waiting to erupt. So take the clipboard out of his hand and rest your hopes on his golden arm.

P.S. If there’s ever an ownership change, I’m coming home!

I need the Cleveland Browns to do well, due to a bet I made. I used to do a spot on Colin Cowherd’s ESPN Radio show, on NFL Fridays. He fired me – well, he didn’t fire me, but, borrowing an expression from my first ex-wife, he indicated he “wanted to go in a different direction.” Sure, Colin: You’re headed toward the Jumbo CD line in a bank and I’m headed toward Palookaville in a Kia.

We recently wagered on the Cleveland Browns. The over/under is 81/2. So if they win nine games or more, Mr. Radio Big Shot turns over one segment of his show to me. If they win eight games or fewer, I turn over two paragraphs of my column to him.

Here’s my problem: The Browns cannot crack .500 with Derek Anderson as their quarterback. I need Romeo Crennel to realize this soon. Anderson is, uh, a bit inaccurate. You know how, when people are giving directions, they say, “Go down two traffic lights, turn left and you’ll see it on the right side – you can’t miss it.” Well, Derek Anderson COULD miss it. Trust me.

Yes, dear readers, the Arizona Cardinals again are the Team of Destiny. Let’s be honest – of late, the Team of Destiny program has been the butt of jokes, a cocktail-party punch line.

But I believe in the Cardinals. I believe in Ken Whisenhunt. I believe in Kurt Warner and Matt Leinert. I believe in Edgerrin James, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I believe in Antrel Rolle.

Note: I also believed in Walter Mondale in ’84, and he lost 49 of 50 states.

The Cardinals were the best 8-8 team in the NFL last season. I am confident they can become the worst 10-6 team in the NFL this season. Then they will begin their improbable playoff run – a Neil Rackers overtime kick here, a beer bong-inspired game-winning drive there – and, poof, they’re Super Bowl-bound and Couch Slouch again is your Prognosticator of Destiny.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you think instant replay would have determined that Babe Ruth was actually pointing at the Hot Dog Guy? (Dan Hulihan; Rexford, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If the NFL forbid Peyton Manning from wearing Johnny Unitas’ cleats, why is Jim Zorn allowed to wear his hair? (Matt Mastracci; Gaithersburg, Md.)

A. Pay this fella, too.

Q. Will the World Poker Tour be calling up any players from the Heartland Poker Tour after Sept. 1? (Don Frese; Towson, Md.)

A. What, are we running a 10-bit special today?

Q. Any truth to the rumor that John Daly is switching his cell phone provider to AT&T because it promises “more bars in more places”? (Matt Rutherford; Arlington, Va.)

A. Bust out the piggy bank, Shirley.