Status will speak for itself
Dear Carolyn: “Jeff” and I have been dating for more than one year and are both in our 30s. Recently, we visited his family and his parents introduced me to several people as “Jeff’s friend.”
Jeff said his parents may think “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are more appropriate for teens, but we both consider each other much more than simply a friend. So, is there a socially acceptable alternative we could use? “Friend” seems too casual and we are definitely not “partners”! – C.D.
Next time someone introduces you as his “friend,” you can make little air-quotes.
But now I’m wondering, what’s so unspeakable about “partner”?
For that matter, what’s wrong with “friend”?
What’s so terrible (since I’m rolling now) about introducing people without saying who’s doing what with whom and why? “This is Mary. Mary is Bob’s friend-with-benefits.”
Certainly our language fails us when it comes to mature terms for romantic partners. I’ve spent much column space on it to no avail – it’s either high schoolish (boyfriend/girlfriend), cutesy (squeeze, etc.), outre (boy toy and worse), self-important (significant other) or ick-inducing (lover). Giving the matter even a moment’s thought burnishes my opinion of “friend,” which mercifully errs on the side of too little information.
Thus prompting the question: Why did it bother you that these “several people” weren’t given your romantic status? Do they need to know you’re more than friends? Do you need them to know?
Unless these people intend to hit on you, or invite you to weddings as Jeff’s guest, your status isn’t need-to-know, it’s nice to know.
It’s also, in most cases, apparent. Anyone who cares to can piece together your role in Jeff’s life by noting that he’s brought you to meet family, watching how you act together, waiting to see if he brings you for future visits, and employing the time-honored device of asking about you the moment you step out of earshot.
In other words, your importance to Jeff will speak for itself. If you have some reason not to trust that to happen, then that speaks volumes as well.