The Slice: Shocking truths revealed (for 50 cents)

On this day in 1898, President William McKinley asked Congress for authorization to move forward with the Spanish-American War.

Taking liberties with the facts, certain newspapers had helped whip up war fever. The subsequent military conflict proved to be great for circulation.

So I wonder if a slightly less bellicose campaign could work on a local level.

I’m just one guy. There’s only so much I could do. But see if any of these truth-stretching Slice column headlines and first sentences would make you more likely to buy copies of the newspaper in the future.

Grave Threat Seen from Northern Hordes

This writer has learned that Canadian plans for unholy domination of the Inland Northwest will not stop with the conquering of KSPS-TV.

Red Menace Said to Persist in Spokane

There are people in our midst who do not care for camping, and it’s time to call them what they are — Commies!

Councilman Rush to Pry Your Cold, Dead Fingers from Your SUV

High-ranking sources at City Hall have revealed a stunning, heretofore secret plan to get Spokane residents to reflect on the wisdom of their lifestyles.

“Soylent Green” Plan for Bloomsday 2008 Exposed

Have you ever noticed that thousands of participants in Spokane’s signature event disappear and are never heard from again?

Wake Up Eastern Washington, Before It’s Too Late

Infiltrating our God-fearing region by night, trend-worshipping brainwash squads from Seattle are plotting to overthrow our cultural values and force local men to make hideous facial-hair decisions.

S-R Revenue-Boost Plan Told

Faced with declining profit margins, leaders at Spokane’s daily newspaper have instructed flashlight-wielding S-R carriers to break into area homes before dawn and appropriate any loose change found behind couch cushions.

Now the Shocking Truth Can be Revealed

So it turns out some renters and apartment dwellers don’t care that you have been judging them.

Army of Undead Await Ana Cabrera’s Orders

While there is still no conclusive evidence that a mild-mannered KHQ newswoman is behind a sinister plot to conquer Spokane with the aid of soul-sucking zombies, there isn’t any proof that she is not.

Regional Sports Scam Uncovered

EWU and media spokesmodels are about to acknowledge that there never has been a “Big Sky Conference” and that accounts of related sports events and fan attendance have been complete fabrications.

HBO, North by Northwest in Talks to Develop “Lilac Lust”

A local film production company has been asked to create an adult television comedy series about a group of randy Spokane residents who dress casually and enjoy backyard cookouts.

Flesh or Plastic: Cashiers’ Inhuman Friendliness Explained

Many of the Spokane area’s most persistently cheerful grocery checkers have been revealed to be lifelike robots.

“Today’s Slice question: How many people besides Slice reader Dennis Foster cling to “Inland Empire” and refuse to say “Inland Northwest”?