Carolyn Hax: Set your own standards - live by them

Carolyn: Thirty-year-old male. I’m scared of a lifelong commitment to someone. I guess I’m scared of falling short of the amazing job my parents did of raising me and my siblings and that I’ll never be able to meet my own internal standards. It’s not any pressure they’re putting on me … I just feel that I have a high bar to live up to and I don’t know if I have it in me, to commit to someone else, to raise children, etc. I’m in a happy relationship now, don’t get me wrong, but I’m scared of the future. – D.C.

My first impulse is to say, good. We should all be so mindful of our limitations.

But that’s not fair; a few well-placed doubts may keep your ego and expectations in check, but too many lead to paralysis. As you apparently already know.

So I’ll make it easy for you. You don’t have it in you to live up to your parents’ standards.

Because, hello, you’re not supposed to. You are you, not your parents. You have it in you to: sort through your experiences – with family, schooling, friends, random else; establish your own set of standards; and then live by them.

Or, I should say, to give it your best shot, since it’s not entirely up to any one person what a life turns out to be.

Should your standards be influenced by your parents? Sure. Obviously – they gave you a lot to admire. But they also had trials and errors and did some things that maybe wouldn’t suit your temperament, which you need to let yourself see.

Try this on, too: Had they raised you so inimitably well, wouldn’t you trust yourself more and dread failure less?

This is not a knock against them but a knock on your forehead. They are human. You are human. Great parents aren’t infallible; they spin fallibility into love.

One more thing. I doubt your parents would have turned in such a confident performance had they been haunted by others’ success. Talk to them. I think you’ll find they succeeded by learning from their surroundings, loving each other, respecting each other (and their kids), and, finally, trusting themselves. And then making mistakes anyway. No doubt they’ve equipped you well to do the same.

Carolyn: My boyfriend swears he’s not married, but I can’t find any record of divorce from his previous wife. (I searched the county’s database.) Is it dumb to believe his word over some missing paperwork? Can these things get misfiled? – Anonymous

Define dumb.

I suppose anything can get misplaced. I almost filed this under “head-scratchers” instead of “forehead-slappers.”

You don’t trust him on this, you don’t trust him at all.

And if you don’t recognize this astonishing absence of trust as a sign that your relationship is on life support, then I have to think you don’t trust yourself.

Try it, please. Pull the plug. Make your next relationship one with a mirror (or, if that doesn’t work, a reputable therapist), so you can sort out why county records made more sense than anything your boyfriend or your judgment told you. When it comes to navigating the big gray unknown that public records don’t cover, your gut is all you’ve got.