Carolyn Hax : To grin, bear it not advised

Hi Carolyn: I’m engaged to a wonderful man who shares many of the same interests and goals that I do. We’re getting married later this summer. After coming out of an abusive marriage and a nasty divorce two years ago, I feel very lucky to be with my fiance. However, his family is another story. My fiance and I are both sophisticated, educated, and he even started and owns a successful business, but his family is the exact opposite. They are uneducated, unrefined, negative and somewhat racist – all of which makes them very difficult to be around. I often find myself struggling to find things to talk about with them.

Recently his parents asked him if he was going to get a prenup. This really upset me. Do I tell him how uncomfortable I feel around his family, or just grin and bear it like I’ve been doing? – L.

Grin and bear it like you’ve been doing and you suffer like you’ve been suffering, going back to that abusive marriage and ugly split.

Not that a sophisticate in the presence of the unwashed necessarily suffers. But I’ll get to that in a second.

People of all stripes and strengths find themselves in abusive situations. Getting out of them is harder, though, for people who are reluctant to act as their own advocates – to set out and stand up for their limits.

And while you may not see what this has to do with the Clampetts, it’s only a short hop from being bullied in one relationship to being afraid to be honest in the next one. Both have at their foundation your fear of being yourself.

Which also probably explains your need to assure us of your sophistication. If your in-laws-to-be are ignorant, rude and racist, then there were ways to make a sympathetic case for that without building yourself up first.

So here’s a way to build yourself up beyond the need for such claims: Become an advocate for your feelings, not your resume. Articulate your discomfort. Express opinions of things that affect you. Initiate a potentially difficult conversation that helps you explore how you feel. Recognize that meeting a wonderful man is luck, but trusting him is a choice. Believe that there are worse things than losing someone just because you expressed an opinion. (Such as being afraid to express an opinion.)

Maybe you don’t think you have the courage to assert yourself, with what feels like so much on the line. I would think, though, with what you’ve been through, silently handing over responsibility for your happiness would be the far scarier choice.