Vocal Point: Choose carefully what you say in yard sale ad
When you are preparing to move from your current hideout into different living quarters or when the family storage is spilling out of the closets, it is time for alchemy. Time to turn trash into dollars.
The technical names for all that stuff are “junkus” and “crappacite,” but to the layperson, it is called “stuff that you have collected over the years.”
It hurts to sell off those accumulated treasures, things such as fondue sets, 10-speed bikes with broken spokes and no kickstand, humidifiers with a missing switch, half-full cans of paint and other items you were too clever to toss out. You cherish those items but acknowledge that they must go.
And unless you live on an arterial, you must buy some advertising for your yard sale.
In the old days, you called the “want ad” department of the local newspaper and purchased a classified ad telling the world about your yard sale.
The newspaper has a knowledgeable person who advises you how to word your classified ad. This is good. As Paul Turner pointed out in a “Slice” column, some sellers need to be told that a “reefer” and a “fridge” are not necessarily the same thing to all people.
However, the Internet has delivered new freedom. Using the Internet, you can devise the wording of your ad, use your own clever abbreviations to save money and, of course, disastrously screw up the wording of the ad because no one was there to tell you how stupid your pitch sounds or what essentials you have left out.
I know this. Until you advertise a garage sale and include your phone number, you probably do not understand that yard-sale fiends believe that your sale operates 24/7 for the entire month following the advertisement. When you (well, me, in this case) finally change your phone number to stop the calls, the yard-sale fiends will get your new number from the phone company.
Ring, ring at midnight.
“Hello?”
“Hello. Are you selling any authentic Civil War battle souvenirs or photos of aliens?”
When the following classified ad appeared in The Spokesman- Review some months ago, I guessed that the ad had been placed over the Internet, but I did not feel sorry for the seller. At least he (she) did not include his (her) phone number as some idiots (me, in this case) do.
Garage Sale! Saturday and Sunday 8-3. Misc hsehld items and lots of baby items.
Sometimes parents get so involved with their first child, they think everyone in the county knows where their cute baby lives.
But you can do worse with self-written yard-sale ads than leaving out your address. How about the ambiguity of the following garage-sale ad that appeared in this newspaper?
Big Garage Sale, **** W. Mallon, 9-6 Rain or Shine, help pay Grandma’s Vet Bill.
The question is, of course: Why won’t Grandma’s family take her to a real doctor? Or are the garage-sale proceeds to be used to pay off Grandma’s unpaid fines to her former branch of service in the armed forces?
I suppose both causes are worthy and we all should have driven by and purchased some Tupperware with missing lids.
I am a modern guy, and despite the preceding comments, I still believe in using the Internet to do things such as placing yard-sale ads in the newspaper. However, you must set specific rules about times and dates.
Feel free to utilize my model yard-sale ad:
GIANT YARD SALE Please do not come by before 9 a.m. when I put my pit bulls back in the house. Cash only. Sale closes promptly at 5 p.m. Saturday when my Uncle Bruno is released to us for electronic home monitoring.
Go sell. You are welcome.