So-called I-90 repairs mean agony on the avenues

The Washington State Department of Transportation has once again launched an unprovoked assault on Spokane under the guise of supposedly improving our freeway.

The diabolical attack began a few days ago. Insurgents posing as construction workers closed the city’s major downtown ramps to (wink-wink) “repair” the highway’s westbound lanes.

Creating a climate of commuter chaos and confusion is the DOT’s actual agenda.

Already a bazillion cars have been diverted onto Third Avenue. There, they have become entangled with other motorists, many of whom have been stalled on Third since last summer’s marathon freeway fix-up.

State transportation warlords estimate that their phase two I-90 project will take between four months and “until every Spokane driver is driven completely insane.”

The congestion has already reached the point of becoming an alarmist front-page Spokesman-Review story that appeared under the bold headline “Pushed to the limit.”

Scary.

Compounding the situation is the unseasonably hot weather. As temperatures soar, many drivers have literally melted into gooey puddles of upholstery-ruining DNA.

True, these sweaty sad souls could have found relief by turning on their air conditioners.

But what fool is going to turn on an air conditioner with gasoline prices higher than Lindsay Lohan?

The only people happy with the situation are cops who are passing out double-fine construction -zone tickets like Halloween candy.

Consider the following actual quote that appeared in the newspaper:

“One guy was driving 80 in a 45 mph zone and didn’t have insurance,” said (Trooper Mark) Baker. “It cost him $1,400.”

Maybe I’m imagining things. But I can’t read that without putting a gleeful tone in Baker’s voice.

These days you take the freeway at your peril. A co-worker pal of mine got on I-90 and forgot about the choked lanes and off-ramp closures. Poor guy couldn’t locate an exit until Ellensburg.

The mess would be almost bearable if the freeway viaduct really was being repaired. But we all know that’s a crock.

First off, what the heck is a viaduct, anyway?

(I have no idea, and I have a college degree. Yes, I did go to Eastern. But I still had to show up for class – mostly.)

Second, I’ve driven many times over the section of I-90 that was allegedly given a makeover last summer. The same mysterious road grooves are already beginning to form.

Traffic tip: Keeping your studded snow tires on will give your vehicle the extra traction it needs to handle potentially dangerous highway grooves.

If you ask me, the DOT is like one of those itinerant work crews that go around scamming witless homeowners. You know the ones. They show up at a victim’s house and offer to fix the shingles for an incredible below-market cash deal.

Then they haul out some ladders and climb up on the roof and slap on a coat of latex paint, which starts peeling like a sunburned albino in a few days. But by then the work crew is off fleecing some other sap in another state.

(Comparing the state DOT to a roving pack of con artists isn’t completely fair. The DOT has a much better retirement plan.)

So what, you ask, can members of the detoured, heat-impaired public do?

If only we could turn to our local leaders in this time of social turmoil.

Unfortunately, our leaders are too busy having to articulate their positions on the Iraq war.

No kidding. During a recent debate, Spokane’s three mayoral candidates – incumbent Dennis Hession, Al French and Mary Verner – were asked if they would “back a resolution supporting troops but requesting they be withdrawn from Iraq,” according to a news story.

As a registered voter, I would like to know what magic-mushroom chewing chowderhead thought that was relevant?

We Spokane citizens don’t expect a lot from our mayors.

Obviously.

But could we at least get a few of the freaking potholes filled before we start worrying about what the mayor thinks about Middle East troop deployment?

I hate to be a pessimist. But we may be stuck with this latest round of freeway folderol until the DOT tires of torturing us.

The luckier motorists will find a way off Third Avenue. And to them I say: Put your pedal to the metal and head north, straight into the Spokane River.

Ahh, cooling relief.