Jim Kershner : At some point, you’d probably want to stick a cork in it

A visit last week to Walla Walla’s spring wine-tasting weekend inspired the following reverie, titled, “What If Every Food Product Was Marketed Like Wine?”

Pizza

Hello, I’d like to thank you all for coming to Spokane’s Pizza-Tasting Weekend and I’d like to begin by describing –

Yes? You have a question? Oh, definitely, we absolutely encourage spitting. We don’t want people to get pizza bloat! Or to require surgery!

But we don’t call it spitting. We call it the Thoughtful-Sniffing-And-Then-Swirling- Over-the-Gums-and-Then-Loudly- Expectorating technique. Use of this method will ensure that you can sample all of the fine products at our 23 participating pizzerias. We have environmentally friendly compost bins scattered around our tasting room; feel free to use them.

Now, as I was saying, we have our pizzas arranged in order, from white to red, beginning with the lighter, more refreshing alfredo sauce varietals and moving progressively to the redder, denser varietals and finishing with our flagship pizza, The Fat NASCAR Daddy Combo.

As you gently masticate each slice, I encourage you to note the range of sensory sensations you are experiencing.

Would anybody like to share their impressions? Yes?

Very good! You are indeed experiencing a delicate “crème-filling” note. The Fat NASCAR Daddy Combo includes, as a surprise topping, an entire deep-fried Twinkie. I congratulate you on your discriminating nose!

Lunch meat

Thank you all for coming to our first annual Lunch Meat Taste-O-Rama, at 34 participating grocery deli counters.

What we are going to experience today is what we call a “vertical tasting” of fine baloneys, or bolognas as we prefer to call them, of different vintages.

We will start with the –

Yes? You have a question? Absolutely, we sell both domestic and imported varieties, ranging from the affordable Good Day brand to the ultrarare Bolognese Butcher’s Special Fancy Reserve label, which uses ground meat exclusively from wild, truffle-eating Tuscan boars.

You don’t want to squander that in your first-grader’s lunchbox! First of all, the child’s palate is not developed enough to pick up the herbal notes, and second of all, the stuff costs $190 a pound.

Let’s start with our midrange Oscar Mayer label, beginning with the most recent vintage, which carries a June 2007 expiration date. Observations, anyone?

Yes! Absolutely. I, too, would use the words “fresh,” “meatlike” and “unspoiled” to describe this vintage. There’s a lot to be said for youthfulness in a bologna.

Yet let’s explore what a little age can do, as we reach back to a Dec. 2006 expiration date.

Yes? Oh, that is very astute. “Ripe” is the perfect word to describe this vintage.

Now, let’s go all the way back to what many consider the finest bologna vintage of recent memory, the April 2003. Thoughts, anyone?

Well, yes, I would agree with you that there are “skunk” notes in the nose and the texture is subtly “fuzzy.” But no, this vintage is not a health threat.

Assuming that you have all had your shots.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

Thank you for flying in to our invitation-only Kraft Mac-‘n’-Cheese-Barrel-Tasting Event. As you all know, the reason you are here is that you are on our Elbow Club mailing list, which means you get exclusive rights to this year’s Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese release.

Each of you can purchase an entire gross of the 2007 release for the member’s price of $33 per box, or a total of $4,752.

Questions? No, there is no change to the product in this year’s release. We have adhered to our classic blend of salts and powdered cheese products.

As we like to say around the old cheesery, it’s the same old cheap box of orange-ish noodles, just 100 times more expensive.

But the point is, it’s exclusive. Your neighbors can’t have it.

Thank you. Please have your credit cards ready.