There’s no substitute for time spent learning to interact with your child
Dear Mr. Dad: My son is 14 months old and I feel like I barely know him. I work nights and my wife works days so I only get to see him for a few hours each evening and on my days off. He seems to respond so easily to my wife; sometimes I feel like I don’t even exist to him. I want to spend more time with him and bond, but I have no idea what to try. Any suggestions?
A: Of course! There isn’t much that can make a man feel less like a man than feeling incompetent. And nothing can make a man feel more incompetent than a baby. Throw in some long work days and you’ve got a real challenge. Fortunately, there are some relatively simple things you can do to meet that challenge.
Actually, let’s start with what not to do: Do not hand your son off to your wife. She may be able to get him to stop crying a little quicker than you do, but the truth is that whatever your wife knows about children, she learned by doing – just like anything else. And the way you’re going to get better is by doing things, too. Research shows that lack of opportunity may be one of the biggest obstacles to fathers’ feeling more comfortable with their children. In other words, the more time you spend with your child, the more competent you’ll feel.
And don’t give in if your wife offers to take over, either. Instead, try a few lines like, “I think I can handle things,” or “That’s OK – I really need the practice.” There’s nothing wrong with asking her for advice, of course – you both have insights that the other could benefit from. But have her tell you instead of doing it for you. Don’t be afraid to make a few decisions – and a few mistakes – on your own.
Another way to start building confidence is to get to know your baby. And the place to begin is with learning his language. Although his vocabulary is pretty limited right now, if you pay close attention you’ll soon be able to tell the difference between his “I’m tired,” “Feed me now,” “Change my diaper,” and “I want to play” cries. Once you’ve got that down, you’ll be better able to take care of his needs and the two of you will feel a lot better about each other.
New fathers are often quite concerned about what to do with their infants. But even if your baby is just a few days old, you can do plenty. Carrying him around and listening to music together are great at this age, and just talking to him is wonderful, but my favorite has always been reading. It doesn’t really matter whether you read War and Peace or the ingredient panel from your toothpaste tube – he won’t understand you yet anyway. The point here is to get him used to hearing your voice, which will make him feel comfortable and secure with you. And that’s what close relationships are built on.
Finally, don’t ever devalue the things you like doing with your child. Men and women have different ways of interacting with their children – men tend to stress the physical and high-energy, women the social and emotional. But don’t let anyone tell you that wrestling, bouncing on the bed, and all the other “guy things” you’re going to do when your son is a little older are somehow less important than the “girl things” your partner may do (or want you to do).