Doug Clark : A few words of wisdom for our mayor

Dennis Hession is worse off than I thought.

In the past I’ve had issues with the Spokane mayor’s indecisiveness, his affection for secret dealings, his undertaker’s sense of fashion. … But those are just character flaws that come with letting a buttoned-down lawyer run a city.

New evidence, however, suggests that the mayor is seriously ill.

He has contracted an avian-borne affliction that makes the bird flu look like a canary with a mild cough.

Mayoral Mynah Bird Syndrome.

In layman’s terms, sufferers of this dread disease can’t put three words together unless they have been first scripted by a public relations flack.

The symptoms surfaced at a recent City Council meeting. Hession, a news story revealed, was parroting canned “talking points” prepared by a private consultant when he gave a sales pitch for his $260,000 government efficiency study.

Talking Point: “We’re here today because we want to ensure the city government does its part to help this area’s economic growth …”

Hession: “We’re here today because we want to ensure that city government does its part in helping the economy …”

This is bad, folks. As his condition worsens, Hession will start relying on cue cards even in normal conversations.

COLUMN INTERRUPTION – In keeping with today’s serious tone, I would like to apologize for an egregious error that appeared in my “fun facts” column last Sunday.

Kris Crocker, KXLY-4 Television’s chief meteorologist, sent me an e-mail to correct my assertion that she makes her “True View” weather forecasts by flipping a coin.

“It’s a Ouija board,” wrote Crocker.

The poor mayor won’t even be able to express himself freely in his own home.

Mrs. Hession: “Hi, Dennis. How was your day?”

Mayor: “Honey, I’m glad you asked that question. Give me five minutes to call the Gallatin Group. Then I’ll get back to you with a concise, compassion-based answer designed to meet your spousal needs.”

Alas, there is no cure for Mayoral Mynah Bird Syndrome. The best we can do is supply Hession with more believable material to mimic. That’s where I come in. At no cost to the city, I have created a few “Clarking Points” for Hession to recite during future Q&As.

Clarking Point 1 – If questioned about the 100-some city jobs that will be lost through the efficiency study, Hession should say:

“I consider the people who work for this city to be like weeds in a garden – they’re expendable!”

Clarking Point 2 – If questioned about whether the efficiency study is worth its $260,000 price tag, Hession should reply:

“Of course not. Like most government spending, it’s a complete boondoggle. But, hey, that’s not my problem. The taxpayers are footing the bill.”

Clarking Point 3 – If questioned about whether the city is still trying to track down whoever leaked the efficiency study prematurely, Hession should say:

“Absolutely not. And when we catch the rat I’ll personally beat him with an aluminum baseball bat.”

Clarking Point 4 – If questioned about Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch extending his mysterious sick leave, Hession should answer:

“Jack who? The name does sound familiar. Hey, how about those Seahawks. Too bad they didn’t make the Super Bowl this year, huh?”

Clarking Point 5 – If asked about his chances of winning at the polls next fall, Hession should burst into the melody of that old Paul Anka song, “Lonely Boy,” and sing:

“I’m just a lonely mayor.

“In ol’ Spokaloo.

“And after the voting.

“I’ll be kicked out and blue.”