Miss Manners: Enjoy the company of responsive people

Dear Miss Manners: What has become of the polite habit of RSVPing? It seems half the world totally ignores one’s request.

What is one to do?

Gentle Reader: Entertain the other half.

Dear Miss Manners: I was under the impression, at a casual luncheon, that it was OK to pick up fried chicken with your fingers. I was informed that this is not proper, that it should be cut with a knife and fork.

Gentle Reader: Would you be so kind as to define for Miss Manners the meaning of the word “casual”? Considering how widespread its use is, and that it has come to be considered a highly desirable state, if not actually a virtue, why is it that no two people agree on its meaning?

If by a casual luncheon you mean friends taking their lunch break together in the cafeteria or a meeting at a fast-food court or a picnic in the park, yes, you can pick up your chicken.

If you mean a meal at a slow-food restaurant or in someone’s dining room (as opposed to someone’s kitchen), no.

Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I are generally well-liked, socially acceptable folks in our small town. We are also fairly well known philanthropically, and my family has been for generations.

We “suffer” from being big fish in a small pond.

My conundrum is that we are often invited to events, fundraisers and personal get-togethers. I occasionally enjoy these gatherings, but I tend not to be easy in crowds and, more often than not, I would rather not attend, for no other reason than I’d rather not attend.

A stay-at-home night or taking myself to a movie is generally just fine by me.

How do I gracefully simply say “No” when invited to events I don’t care to attend? Often, these functions are in support of worthy charities, and I always contribute to them (assuming I support the underlying mission of the charities).

However, as often as not, many of the events are simply personal gatherings or parties with no agenda other than getting together.

I dislike making up excuses, and they are usually discovered to be the white lies they are. Is there a kind way, when invited to go to this or that function, to simply decline without lying?

Gentle Reader: Your excuse is that you “don’t go out much.”

The trick is that you never tell this to anyone. To say so would be to suggest to any individual host that his party was not important enough to merit one of your exceptions.

Miss Manners assures you that you need not offer any excuse at all. As you have discovered, true ones are offensive, while false ones catch up with you.

You simply should master the expression of great regret each time you decline an invitation: “Oh, I’m so sorry, How very kind of you to ask, but I’m afraid we will be unable to go. Thank you for thinking of us.”

After a while, it will be other people who say, “They don’t go out much.” Because you are gracious and generous, they will even say it with some admiration at your self-contentment.

And when you do choose to go out, your hosts will be all the more overjoyed.