Graciously let your sick guest save face

Dear Miss Manners: An old friend recently stayed overnight at my home. In the morning, I found out that he’d been ill all night with projectile vomiting and diarrhea. (I was sleeping peacefully in my own room.)

Only when he came downstairs the next morning did I learn what had happened.

The violent part of the illness had passed, but we decided it would be best for him to see a doctor at the emergency room just to be sure. It turned out that he had a stomach bug or type of flu that was “going around.”

He was treated for dehydration and kept for observation for a couple of hours. When the nurses were satisfied that his stomach had settled, he was given a page of dietary instructions and allowed to go.

By then it was noontime, and he decided to drive home, but not before insisting that he pay for any expenses involved in “putting things right” upstairs.

After he left, I discovered that the wall-to-wall carpet in the guest room and hall was indeed seriously stained and smelly. Finally, I found a rug cleaner who agreed to come the next morning.

He removed the stains, deodorized and disinfected the carpet.

I paid with a check and let my friend know how much the cleaning had cost. A perfect gentleman, he repaid me promptly.

A couple of friends have questioned the propriety of this transaction, saying I should have borne the cost of the rug-cleaning and that my friend should have sent a “hostess gift” instead of money. Although I feel confident that my friend and I are both comfortable with the arrangement we made, my friends have made me wonder about the etiquette of such situations. Is there a general rule, or is it relative?

Gentle Reader: There is a general rule in regard to guests who knock over a vase, spill a drink on the rug or clog up the sink. It is, as your friends say, that the guest tries to pay for the damage, the host refuses to allow this, and the guest writes a charming letter with a little present, by way of apology.

When more serious damage is done, the guest is obliged to put up more of a fight, attending to the repair or replacement even after being overruled.

But this was no small, ordinary accident. We are talking here about spectacular damage of, Miss Manners has to say, the most humiliating, not to mention revolting, kind.

If you ever hoped that your friend would be able to enter your house again without being overcome with fear and shame, you owed him a way of feeling that he had done something to eradicate the impression he left all over the guest room.

Dear Miss Manners: What does one say to a friend who offers to sell one back one’s wedding present? I gave her the gift some time before the wedding, which I was unable to attend.

After the wedding, she approached me, said that she was unable to use my gift, and offered to sell it back to me.

Suggestions for a civilized response would be appreciated.

Gentle Reader: “This came with my good wishes. I don’t know what you think they are worth.”