Carolyn Hax: Show concern for sudden change

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been dating a girl for a little over a year now and things are going OK. However, for the last few months I’ve noticed she is kind of letting herself “go.” She has been gaining weight, has generally stopped exercising and just can’t seem to control her diet. And she used to be very good about it. I don’t know what to say or do without sounding shallow or controlling. She has of course asked me the, “Do you think I’m fat?” question and I don’t know if I should lie. She is lovely and I like her a lot but this is obviously an alarming trend. – Maryland

She: “Do you think I’m fat?”

You: “You’re not fat. (This is still true, right?) But you aren’t acting like yourself lately. Is everything okay?”

In other words, don’t get so caught up in the fear of sounding shallow that you lose your nerve to dig deep. Big changes in behavior often have big things to say. Which is, in fact, why this “trend” in her is “alarming”: It’s different, it’s sudden, it’s unhealthy and, most important, she’s unhappy about it, or at least self-conscious. These can smother romantic flames a lot faster than a few ill-advised pounds.

For what it’s worth, it’s also not helpful to refer to this as “letting herself go.” For some people, that phrase has more ancient sexist baggage than Hugh Hefner’s Big Bunny jet.

Hi, Carolyn: I am the single parent of a 6- and a 7-year-old. Their father has had no involvement since the youngest was 4 months old. Through fortunate circumstances I am able to stay home with them and maintain a small home. While my children are at school I do all the things a home and yard require. At 2:30 I pick up the kids and from then until 9 p.m., there is the usual homework, dinner, extra activities, bed routine. Weekends and summer I have no break at all from 6 a.m. until 9 p.m. So, what do I say to the question I get from other women, “Are you working yet?”

The women in my community who ask me this are all married to supportive husbands or have custody half-time. I see they are not required to do the many things around the house that I must do. So – do you have a snappy comeback for me? Thanks. – M.

Just as you feel the Women of the Community are judging you with their query, you too are judging them and their seemingly cushy circumstances – about which you know as little as they seem to know about yours. Better to flip the whole notion of judging the bird, by answering these questions plainly – “No, I’m not looking for a job” – and letting people think what they like.