Carolyn Hax: Challenge her use of racial slurs

Dear Carolyn: How do you deal with a friend who occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable with her use of racial epithets? She is otherwise a great friend who is always there for me and others. My discomfort with this has increased because people in my husband’s family have married outside their race – and I must add, to very wonderful people whom I have gotten closer to recently. Is it worth confronting my friend on my feelings, or should I just accept that she has a bad habit of being racially insensitive in her conversations and overlook her comments? What are your thoughts? – S.

Eating too many Twinkies is a bad habit. Biting your nails is a bad habit.

I think anyone who has been on the receiving end of an epithet will tell you that using them is not a “bad habit.”

It’s the release of linguistic toxins into the air, and it denies anyone who comes in contact, even secondhand, an opportunity to breathe the clean air of mutual respect. It’s ignorance, fear and injustice.

I’m glad your rainbow of wonderful in-laws helped stir up your sympathies, but even if it was a rainbow of despicable in-laws, your duty would be the same. Whether they are wonderful or despicable – or funny or loopy or vile – speaks to their character, remember, not their race. That’s why epithets are so ugly.

You say she is a good friend to you. Be a good friend to her, and point out – when she uses them in your presence – that her using these terms disturbs you.

There’s always a chance she doesn’t quite know what she’s saying, in which case you’ll save her from dropping more bombs. And in the event she does know, you’ll have made it clear that not even friends are safe havens for hate – which would also help her to know, if she ever hopes to have quality friends.

Dear Carolyn: I am 26 and recently cheated on my fiance with one of my guy friends. My fiance is the sweetest guy I know, and we get along great, obviously, or we wouldn’t be engaged, but I guess what attracted me to my friend is that he is an academic, as am I. My fiance is not, and I often find our conversations kind of lacking. Sometimes I wish we could connect better on that more intellectual/spiritual level. I am not sure what to do. Do I tell my fiance about the affair and try to move us past this? If I decide to do this is there any way the friendship with my friend can be saved? Or should I call off the engagement? – Guilty and Confused

Confessing your infidelity and “mov(ing) past this” would be aspirin for a brain tumor. Treat the tumor, please: You’re about to marry someone who doesn’t satisfy a significant need. Admit the need. Admit that it matters. Then, do what you must – deception-free – to address it.