Carolyn Hax: Use event to draw her out on the subject

Dear Carolyn: At what point does one separate the individual from her family? I know the answer seems obvious – you don’t choose your family, so you shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions or attitudes.

I’m wondering this because I am dating a woman who has a family that I enjoy being around – but only for the most part. They are rather crass, sometimes insensitive and oft-times rude. My girlfriend sometimes chimes in agreement with them, but never not in agreement (i.e. standing up for what is the “right” thing). Thoughts? – Va.

The answer is obvious, but it’s not that she gets a pass for her family’s behavior. It’s that she’s accountable for her response to it. Does she embrace it? Does she disagree but find it harmless? Does she deplore it, but no longer fight it because past efforts were futile, and because the only alternative left – severing all ties – is too drastic?

You, meanwhile, are accountable for your response to her. Each time she declines to do what you believe is the “right” thing, you have an opportunity to draw her out on the subject. “I enjoy your family, but it bothers me when they (blank).” Each time, it’s an opportunity to find out who she really is. Obviously, you don’t want to needle, judge or dwell. But there’s plenty of room between those and letting these chances pass by. Please find it.

Carolyn: My in-laws are very nice and generous people – but their negativity is driving me nuts. General complaining and contrarian statements all the time about every little thing (“I don’t like that store,” “I don’t like those trees,” during a drive). Nothing is directed specifically at me but I feel like every conversation or car ride is just negative, negative, negative. My reaction has been to stay quiet and not engage. I respond to questions but I avoid any longer conversations. My being quiet unfortunately doesn’t come off well either; I seem miserable or uninterested. Any advice? I loathe conflict. – Quiet

If you want happy, then quit whining and be happy.

I do amuse myself.

The be-happy part is serious, though. You tried disengaging and you won’t confront anyone, so what’s left? Sunshine, any time you can generate even one genuine ray.

When your in-laws go negative, for example, you can warmly beg to differ – “Really? I’ve always liked those trees”; you can nudge a more positive viewpoint – “I don’t know that store, but I do love the one next to it”; you can change the subject – “Wow, great sunset.”

Your good spirits won’t always be as infectious as you’d like; in fact, sometimes, you’ll draw targeted negative fire. There may also be times when you want to put your golly-gee self to the curb and drive away. Understandably.

But you’re unhappy quiet, so it’s time to learn to speak up, and because this is positive it’s an easier place to start.

Besides, “very nice and generous people” who turn negative often do so out of conversational habit; many aren’t comfortable with silence, and complaints are an easy place to turn, like mental junk food.

So this introduces a new habit – of actively looking for good whenever the mood goes bad. Improvement guaranteed, even if the new habit catches on only with you.