The Slice: Here’s your chance to weigh in on our 51st state

With the legislatures about to get back to work, it won’t be long before some disgruntled lawmaker from Eastern Washington or North Idaho mumbles something about these two outvoted regions joining forces to form a new state.

It’s an old idea.

But those toying with this proposal always seem to forget one thing. This breakaway 51st state – sometimes referred to as “Columbia” – would need a new batch of official symbols.

So maybe, in the spirit of being prepared for anything, we ought to start planning.

As a resident of the potential future commonwealth of Columbia, you are entitled to vote on the new state bird, et cetera. So get out a pen or pencil and answer the following questions. Then clip out your ballot and mail it to The Slice. I will report the results.

(Be sure to include your name and phone number. Each completed ballot will be entered in a win-a-prize drawing.)

1. What should be the new state’s official bird?

A) Willow goldfinch. B) Mountain bluebird. C) Sparrow. D) Crow. E) Bald eagle. F) The middle-finger salute. G) Other.

2. What should be the official dance?

A) Square dance. B) Freak dancing. C) Twist. D) Pony. E) Hokey Pokey. F) Other.

3. What would you want to see become the state song?

A) “Roll On, Columbia, Roll On.” B) “Baby Got Back.” C) “Louie Louie.” D) “Keep Your Sunny Side Up.” E) “Going My Way.” F) Other.

4. What should be the state motto?

A) “Marked Down.” B) “Take This Job and Shove It.” C) “I Complain, Therefore I Am.” D) “Truth, Beauty and Regressive Taxation.” E) “Near Washington, Near Idaho.” F) “Find Your Own Lake.” G) “Pass the Gravy.” H) “Live Free or Move.” I) “Settle Down in There.” J) “Expo ‘74 was a long time ago.” K) Other.

5. What would be the ideal symbol to adorn the state flag?

A) The image of an aging white man named Bud. B) Pine tree. C) T-shirt and jeans. D) A kid fishing. E) Marmot wearing sunglasses. F) A teenager smoking. G) A tumbleweed. H) A camas root. I) Other.

6. The state nickname?

A) The Yard Sale State. B) The Pothole State. C) The Handshake State. D) The Buffet State. E) The Day-care State. F) The Leave Me Alone State. G) The No Nonsense State. H) Other.

7. The state flower?

A) Iris. B) Delphinium. C) Dandelion. D) Marijuana. E) Other.

8. What should be the state capital?

A) Spokane. B) Coeur d’Alene. C) Spokane Valley. D) Airway Heights. E) Athol. F) Other.

9. What should be the new state’s official beverage?

A) Wine. B) Prune juice. C) Cheap beer. D) Tainted drinking water. E) Any coffee drink that takes about 45 seconds to order. F) Other.

10. The state fish?

A) Steelhead. B) Perch. C) Crappie. D) Bass. F) Land shark. E) Other.

11. The state tree?

A) Flowering power-line snapper. B) Western cone factory. C). Noble roof crusher. D) Squirrel City pine. E) Other.

12. The new state’s form of government?

A) Constitutional monarchy. B) Dictatorship. C) Socialist police state. D) Fascist police state. E) Governor, bicameral legislature. F) New Age theocracy. G) Other.

13. What would be the new state’s official dessert?

A) Bundt cake. B) Huckleberry pie. C) Rice Krispie squares. D) Homemade ice cream. E) Other.

14. The new state’s official pastime?

A) Watching sports on TV. B) Drinking beer. C) A combination of A&B. D) Freezing your butt off in a leaky tent. E) Yodeling. F) Buying in bulk. G) Yelling at the neighbor’s dog. H) Blocking the cereal aisle. I) Other.

15. What would be the new state’s tourism slogan?

A) “We Really Need the Money.” B) “It’s Pretty OK Here.” C) “Excitement is Overrated.” D) “To Attract You, We’re Pretending We Don’t Have Crime and Poverty.” E) “Ski Columbia.” F) “C’monnnn.” G) Other.

“Today’s Slice question (fill in the blank): Signs at the entrances to Spokane ought to say “Home of ________ .”